FACT. Who wants to go to the Regional Finals with me later this month?
Monday, March 14, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Kemba Courtside Video - MUST SEE
This is absolutely the best video ever filmed. Without a doubt. How does it only have 300 views on YouTube. I mean, I've already watched it at LEAST 4 million times. Listen, I am as vocal as anyone about how much I don't trust our team. And I yell at Chuck all the time for how fucking terrible he is. Overall, I am a pessimistic UConn fan. But I love the cheerleaders goin' nuts and hugging each other. I love Johnathan high-stepping at the free throw line. I love that Pitt thought Gary McGee defending Kemba 1-on-1 25 feet from the hoop was a good idea. Why did they switch him on the pick? Where was the help! I love the emphatic 'Baskets good' call by the ref. I love this team. And we're primed for a tourney run. LETS FUCKING GO HUSKIES.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tweet of the Day - McDonalds?
Now you would think that since the internet has such a hard on for Charlie Sheen right now, I would be all over this McWinning menu. Fuck that. I'm happy with the dollar menu. That's fine, thank you. The real story here is the fact that McLobster and McSushi are real things. How drunk would you have to be to eat McSushi. Sushi is fantastic and all but I have trouble trusting most places to not poison the shit out of me. McDonalds is not the first place I think of when I think of quality seafood. I bet they're just going to grind up those Filet O Fish sangwiches and wrap em in rubber seaweed.
Fairfield U: Where douches roam
Oh now you’ve gone and done it. Brah.
First off nice 8 year old girl blue sunglasses. Really a good way to draw me in from the start. That and the 3 fully clothed beached whales suffocating you. Kept me interested and inspired me to write a blog post ripping you.
And ya boy asleep in the Nike’s. Isn’t there a rule that if you’re a douche bag and take the whole couch to yourself with your sneakers on that you get a penis drawn on your lips and FAG tattooed on your arm? That was my understanding. Maybe your bro with the boom box next to you shoulda taken care of that instead of rolling his pant leg up.
CLUB LIFE! CLUB LIFE! C-C-C-CLLLUB LIFE! Dude. Your’re at Flipside Burgers. There was a reason they didn't show any of the 'club' they were in. It's because the only thing in there are empty booths with crayons and place mats with mazes on them. It’s in the same parking lot as a Shell station. I mean that’s definitely a hot club if you want sliders, a large fry, and a pack of gummy worms on your way out. Stick the the Seagrape kid. It's up the street and to the left from your house.
Oh and now that everyone knows where you live, I think it would be within their rights to vandalize your shit, steal your TV, or set fire to your house. Or at least stop you from ever having children. Whatever gets you to stop making shit videos about how Daddy’s dime is making your life so ‘ballin’. I think that that’s the only thing we can do to punish you for putting out such a ridiculous product. You brought it on yourself. Not only would I be ashamed to film this video and think it’s awesome, but to then post in on the interwebs and send it to barstoolu.com for review is downright shameful.
Typical Lax Bro tool from Jersey driving an Audi. Every time I go out in Fairfield, I see your type everywhere. You're the guy that wears aviators at night. You're the guy that wears salmon and pastel-colored button downs untucked. You're the guy that wears a backward, frayed-rimmed baseball cap in your prom photo. This video isn't awesome. It makes you look foolish. Club Life and Flipside Burgers? Is that right? Turn your hat around straight and get to class on time. You're embarrassing yourself.
Wednesday Morning Coffee
This is one happy famery. Goddesses. Duh. These kids are fucking awesome. Look at the kid in black. Pointin at you like you already know he's awesome.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Tweet of the Day - Matt Barnes
Great day of betting for me yesterday. 5 for 5 in NBA games. Set em up, knock em down. That's what I do. Lakers, Bulls, Knicks, Warriors/76ers, and Hornets all did what I told them to. And it's effort like that put on by Mr. Barnes here that keeps the gravy train rollin' and keeps that beer money comin' in. FTH, Barnesy. Keep doin' yo thing.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Tweet of the Day - Jared Dudley bashing the Heat
Beautiful. JDuds FROM?!?! BC. Obviously. And this is exactly what I said after watching Coach Spo admit that his players were crying after the Bulls loss yesterday. You can only cry in 2 circumstances in basketball. If you get knocked out in the NBA Finals on a Game 7 buzzer beater OR if KG punches you in the balls. This March regular season game does not match either of those criteria.
Giada wants to date me
Bella Sera - Tell us what movie, recipe, and Bella Sera wine pair perfectly for a beautiful evening at home, and you could win a trip for two to meet Giada in Boston and have your winning recipe served at the largest Italian Festival in New England.
That's a big fucking smile. Ok, I am pretty sure I have never wanted to win anything this badly in my enitre life. Lotteries, raffles, cash prizes, new cars, vacations all take a back seat to this shit. I get to meet Giada. Let me just make sure you understand me here. I get to MEET this woman. Giada. Meet her. Like in person. Here's how much I like Giada. I woke up early (1:00pm) to watch Giada at Home this morning. I get Giada news updates sent to my GMail account. On the daily. Like I knew she was in South Beach last week for a Food and Wine Festival. I know that next week she will be in South Carolina with an NBC film crew doing volunteer work and giving food to needy children. What a fucking angel. Needless to say, I need to win this contest so that I can finally stop looking like such a fucking stalker. I would actually have an excuse to see her and speak with her. The fuck would I say? Probably just 'I love your shit and wanna touch you and smell you.'
So to win this contest, I have to answer 4 questions. I think that the best approach is to cater to what I think Giada would like. And I think I know her pretty well, even though she doesn't know me, so I got this shit on lock. Here are the questions:
1. Set the stage. Share an original recipe that you can enjoy with friends or family. Your delicious inspiration can be anything from an appetizer or entrée to even a dessert.
2. The feature presentation. Is your recipe spicy and bold or is it more on the sweet side? Choose a movie that best complements your dish.
So obviously the clear cut choice here is Eat, Pray, Love. Just seems to be right up her alley. Its got food. Fuckin Italy 'n shit. Can't go wrong. But I don't do that pussy movie thing. Can't stomach Julia Roberts' wrinkly ass sipping cappaccino and smiling at the fucking horizon for 2 hours. Can't do it. So I'm gonna go a little off the map here. Jungle Book is the answer. She looks like she likes to sing-a-long. She's got a young daughter that probably likes Disney and Giada would absolutely eat this shit up. Open her up real nice. Get her comfortable. Like how can you not laugh and want to have sex with me when you hear Bare Necessities?
3. Take five! Recommend which Bella Sera Wine perfectly pairs with your recipe and movie selection.
So I don't really know shit about Bella Sera Wine. Not sure anyone does, nor should they. Its probably worse than Yellowtail. The options are limited though so thats good. Pinot Grigio, Pinot Noir, Chianti, Merlot, or Moscato. So of course the wine pairing will depend on the dish I serve to Giada's fuck-me face. But right now I am gonna go with the Noir. She looks like a red wine type a girl. Also looks like a bend-me-over type a girl. Really the correct answer is what type has the highest alcohol content. Lets eat food, drink wine, and make bad decisions G.
4. It’s a wrap! In the space below, please briefly describe (150 words or less) why your recipe, wine and movie selection make a beautiful evening.
I don't even need 150 words. 'It's simple. I love you and want to meet you. I'm your biggest fan. Literally no one likes you more than I do. It's destiny that you're coming to Boston and I am going to get to meet you.' Short, sweet, and to the point. Like my penis.
So I have until June to submit this but I want to get it in early to show that I'm serious. So is this a winning submission or should I add things. And please send me recipies!!!!
^
boobs
Restaurant Profile: Virgil's BBQ
Virgil's
152 West 44th Street, New York, New York, 10036
http://www.virgilsbbq.com/index.php
An old favorite, to be sure. I went to this place with my famery probably 8 years ago. Got a chance to revisit it for lunch last month. It is as delicious as I remember. This place is a down an dirty BBQ joint. Don't come in expecting to have your napkin in your lap and white table clothes. They don't actually even give you napkins. They give you fucking maroon washclothes. One 'rub' (boom) on this BBQ joint is that it tries a little too hard to LOOK like a dirty southern BBQ pit. Kinda dark. Wood-grain everything. Like you can't look like Ted's and charge $10 an appetizer. Sorry, bro. But every Times Square restaurant, of course, needs a theme. So I guess you can't blame them for being conforming tools. Also, the service was, I suppose, strange. The waiter was totes stoned and kinda looked like Taco from The League and seperated every word with 'um'. Not a great combination if you're lookin' for a substantial tip. This is NYC, baby. I expect to be entertained.
What I had the pleasure of eating:
Hush Puppies - served with mapel syrup butter
Brisket Melt - grilled onions and cheddar cheese on grilled rye bread
The food is what makes the cheesy atmosphere acceptable. First, the hush puppies. For those of you unfamiliar, they are kinda like fried balls of cornbread. Accept these weren't balls. They were more like cocks. See picture above. These puppy cocks were served with sweet maple syrup butter that made them ridiculously addictive. I do not recommend becoming addicted to actual puppy cocks. That would most likely lead to jail time. Convicts don't take kindly to beastiality. We got them as an appetizer and there was only two of us. There were enough for 4 people. Pretty much ate them from the second they arrived til the second my brisket showed up. My girlfriend actually had to intervene and say, "Do you really WANT more hush puppies or do you just want them because they're in front of you right now?" Yea, I'm a fat fuck.
Then, my brisket melt sammich showed up. Not usually a huge brisket guy, but this was absolutely the most tender, almost meltinyourmouth, brisket I have every had. You almost don't even need to chew it. Just unhinge jaw and inhale. But you should chew it cause it makes digestion easier. Thick slices of brisket piled high smothered in cheddar. Dont hold it over your shirt. Sauce will fall out everywhere, but not in a messy, difficult/annoying to eat way. The (included) sides were slaw and potato salad. Probably should have gone with the mashed potatoes, mac 'n cheese, or baked beans. The fuck was I thinking? Slaw was just eh and po-salad was too vinegary and actually quite poor. But really the sandwich was the highlight and I didn't end up eating most of the sides anyway. I was filled with puppycocks.
Breakdown:
Service: 3/5
Food: 4/5
Dinner for 2: $50
Overall: 4/5
Monday Morning Coffee
I can that see the water is cold. Hope this warms you up after a rainy ass weekend.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Kemba to be honored on Senior Day
STORRS, Conn. -- Connecticut junior guard Kemba Walker will be honored during this year's senior day ceremonies at Gampel Pavilion, an indication the Husky star is not planning to return next season.
Walker has said he will make a decision about his future once UConn's season is complete.
Ok, Kemba. That's enough. Don't piss on my head and tell me it's raining. You're going pro and everyone knows it. That's fine. Just don't bullshit me. Am I the only one that has a problem with this? Senior Day? Dude is clearly a junior and this day is not for him. And while Chuck Okwandu and Beverely obviously aren't HUGE draws or popular in any way, honoring Kemba tomorrow is bullshit. It's like when Texas retired Durant's number after one year (and a 2nd round tourney exit, nice pick TO). Laughable. Senior day should be reserved for the kids the commit to our program for ALL four years. Anyone else want to see the Clippers draft him? Then he could throw halfcourt lobs to Blake and when I move out there in 2 years, I can sit courtside.
Charlie Sheen will deploy his ordinance to the ground
Winning? Anyone? Not a huge Star Wars guy, but this is really well done. Actually makes it a point to make the Sheenisms match up with what's going on in the scene. Bravo, DarthBaleDotCom, Bravo.
Is this mashup perfect and bitchin and just winning with poetry in it's fingertips? Or is it BULL-S-H-I-T?
But, honestly I don't have time for your judgement. I work for the Pope. I murder people.
Tweet of the Day - MosDef
I was lucky enough to find Mr. Def on the Twitter wires the other day. And everything he writes is solid gold. Might be making weekly appearance on TOTD. Nothing gets me laughin like women in the kitchen jokes. Ironically, nothing makes me happier than when women cook for me. It's a win-win. I get to laugh about them being in the kitchen but then I benefit from the work they do there. Keep cooking ladies.
Life-Changing Poll Question
Best part about this poll? Well, I guess there are two things. One is that, yes it is true. My parents are leaving me at the house for a week. Alone. Two, you may select multiple answers. This allows me to rank the choices 1 thru 5. I can fucking do all of them and then some. Obviously 5 answer choices is not enough. So MaSheen (staying at my house with Bree Olson starting Sunday) and I encourage you to write in your suggestion in the comment section. Wish us luck.
Friday Morning Coffee
I'm thinking of making SJU (Sara Jean Underwood) the official sponsor of Friday's. I'll get her on the phone. See what I can do.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Christopher Walken is watching you pee
Go 'head. Pee. Had this hanging over the toilet in my dorm room junior year of college. Made it strange to whip it out and do business even when the door was closed. I think it looks like Walken is staring at your junk and judging you harshly. Kinda got a 'What the fuck is that thing?' look on his face. I like to think of it as training for public bathrooms and bars with no dividers between the urinals. Kinda makes you focus and bring your A game every time. What was even more fun was a picture of Jeff Goldblum with his shirt off on the wall behind the stall door that stared you directly in the face when you say down to Number 2.
Tweet of the Day - Roscoe Smith
Ah, the old receiving hair long. This looks like Shabazz but I honestly can't tell. The real issue here is athletes messing up common sayings. First it was Reggie Bush with 'sand dooms' and now it's Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins here with the receiving hair lines. Like when I was younger I used to think 'Bless You' was actually 'Bleshu', like it was it's own seperate word that had been made up just to say after someone sneezes. Or like how some people say 'wheelbarrel' to describe the thing Mexicans use to landscape your yard 'n stuff. I generally hate when people call you on your spelling because it's so unimportant...but this was too good to pass up. He probably doesn't even realize he fucked up.
Some people just shouldn't have twitter accounts. Some people also shouldn't be in college. Most of them happen to be athletes. Between Jim sending too many TXTMSGSOMG, Roscoe's mastery of the English language, and the full court 'buzzer-beater' Mr. Smith threw up in the Texas game, you gotta wonder what's been goin' on up there in Storrs since I left. Smh(?).
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Charlie Sheen Dream Machine
Charlie Sheen makes my job as a small time amatuer blogger easier. No need for creativity. No need to be witty or make up stories. No pictures necessary. Suck on some of these golden nuggets and then visit the site. P.S. These 6 quotes below were the first six on the site. There are dozens. And remember: I'm a grandisoe life, and I'm embracing it.
"I am on a drug. It's called...CHARLIE SHEEN."
"Most of the time - and this includes naps - I'm an F-18."
"This contaminated little maggot can't handle my power"
"WINNING. DUH."
"We're Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be?"
"I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars."
Tweet of the Day - Giada
Bienvenidos a Miami! Lucky TSA fuck! Forget FEMA. Homeland Security is where it's AT. Frisky patdowns? Strip searches! Caressing every single part of Giada's sex-oozing, culinary masterpiece of a body in the name of American security? Where do I sign up? There is no doubt that she's hiding yellow cake uranium in that dome of hers though. Clearly she's in kahoots with Al-Jizzera. And is it just me or does this Tweet kinda sound like she enjoyed the patdown? Is 'Unbelievable!', like a 'Oh my God I feel so violated. My rights as an American have been taken away from me!' unbelievable? Or is it a 'that 60-something, grey-headed, sweaty rent-a-cop that fingerblasted me with his rubberglove fingers during the body cavity search was UNBELIEVABLE.' unbelievable? I would guess the latter. Let's just say the kitchen isn't the only place in the house where Giada's skills and enthusiasm come out.
Be sure to VOTE on the weekly poll. And if you like something...COMMENT!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Restaurant Profile: Blue Fin
Blue Fin
W Hotel Times Square, 1567 Broadway at 47th Street, New York, NY 10036
Because I am a fucking world traveler and enjoy dining out, I am going to profile some of the many, many restaurants that I eat at for you. Perhaps these are places that serve orgasm-enducing plates. Perhaps the spot is phenomenal and the restuarant is the attraction alone. Perhaps you should trust my fucking opinion on restaurants because I know what I'm talking about. Perhaps it will bring you some joy as I travel the country eating at all these balling places while you try to escape your sad, cold, snow-covered New England village.
This week's installment brings us to New York City. More specificially, Times Square. When you think Times Square, you probably think McDonalds and meat-on-a-stick dinners or a Rainforest Cafe-like theme. Blue Fin strays away from the norm and offers fresh seafood and fairly exotic sushi rolls for the pre-theater diner.
What I had the pleasure of eating:
Oysters: 2 of each - Kusshi, Fanny Bay, Ram Island (from CT), Hama Hama
Warm Baked Goat Cheese Salad - red beets, arugula, balsamic vinaigrette
Tuna and Salmon Tartare - wonton crackers, ginger, avocado
Spicy Lobster Roll - Tuna, avocado, cilantro
Sweet and Spicy Roll - Rock shrimp, pineapple, tempura, jalapeno
Passion Fruit Napoleon - chrisp phyllo, raspberries, and a whole fuckin mess of fruit.
Beer - Stella Artois
BAM. Hungry yet? It's about 2am and I'm jonesin' for some of that creamy ass goat cheese. And the oysters made me pretty horny. In a good way. Ginger sauce and Tabasco are a must. Makes those slimy fuckers tasty.
The sushi was very creative. The Sweet and Spicy Roll ruined my Valentine's Day sex because it made me jizz in my pants before we even got to dessert.
Breakdown:
Service: 3/5
Food: 5/5
Price: $50 a person
If you're a high roller and plan on drankin and gettin' apps: $80 a person
Overall: 4/5
Tweet of the Day - Marquis Daniels
The man is obviously missing Boston. We miss you too, Marquis. Just awful.
Monday, February 28, 2011
N! E! T! S! NETS! NETS! NETS!
Fuck yes. I love this deal for the Nets. Love it. I think Salt Lake should bring this ad back, though. This was filmed a year ago but it is PERFECT for right now. Deron chases Sloan out. Wrist injury. Everyone gets all fucking paranoid that he won't resign in 2012 and will bolt to play with Dwight or A'melo. BOOM. Jazz get max trade value for this guy and ship him off to the communist owner in Brooklyn. Traded to Jersey. Having watched 2 games of his (and dozens of his games in Utah), I'm convinced that the Nets are already a better team. I can't believe I am doing this...but... Nets blog time....
1. Probs only 4 guys in the league that can find a player anywhere on the floor and get him the ball in the exact place he likes it. CP3, Nash, Rondo, and Deron. Similar to the Melo deal, no matter what you have to give, you go out and get the elite All-Star, because these guys aren't easy to find.
2. The Nets didn't give up THAT much to get him! Ok fine. Derrick Favors went #2 overall. But if you've seen his offensive game...you would know that his 'Raw Athleticism' is just a nice way of saying 'Boy, this kid fucking sucks and is a long team project for us.' Who wants that?
3. They gave up Devin Harris. Devin Harris peaked 2 years ago and is not a big enough guy to carry the scoring load for the next few years without tweaking and ankle, or worse. He was a trendy player when he was traded FROM Dallas for JKidd, but it appears that may have been hype based on a quick guy that had a nie run in the playoffs that year. Is this kid the guy you want running the franchise? He'll probably be starting in Utah soon, but I'm not afraid of him in any sense.
4. Pick and Roll. Nobody gets more out of their PF/Cs than Deron Williams. He helped Boozer return to elite status last season in Utah and got the Booze Cruise a 5yr/$80mil payday from ChiTown. He gelled quickly with Al Jefferson this season. Sure it was the Jerry Sloan system that Stockton and Malone ran before DWill was even outta middle school. But that shit works and if Avery Johnson is as smart a coach as I THINK he is, he'll figure this out quickly. He will let Deron run the team at whatever pace he wants. Look for team scoring to jump. With Deron, Brook Lopez has the ability to flourish in a pick 'n' roll system. His game fits that type of style. He has range for a big man. He can finish with both hands. Quick baby hooks in tight spaces over defenders are something he's been doing since Stanford. Plus, he's my fantasy guy...so this is me being all optimistic and shit. But fuck he can't get any LESS productive, right?
Next game:
Tonight 7pm v. PHX
Tweet of the Day - Johnathan Mandeldove
Oh, no. Might be in trouble for this one. Ladies LOVE....the Dove.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Mario Kart, My Life, and how I will dominate you
I will run you fucking ragged in this game. And before you start thinking you have a chance at beating me, let me explain a few things to you. Like it or not, I used to play this game minimum 2 times a day in college. Everyday. And when I say 'play' I mean run through all 16 tracks against 3 other fiercely competitive roommates. And more than often than not, I would win races. So before you start reliving the glory days of 5th grade and how awesome you were on the sticks, understand that I don't give a fuck. This here is a grown man's game. Like if you aren't bump-drafting or drifting around every turn, I will beat you by a full lap minimum. I've never tried this, but I am 100% sure I can beat anyone other than my college roommates without using a single weapon. Just straight up NASCAR-style. I don't give a fuck WHO you are. You can be a 12 year old Asian boy. You can be a teenager. You can be a businessman in a suit 'n tie makin' 100k. I will whoop yo punk ass from Luigi Raceway to Rainbow Road. Just to prove how much more experience I have in this game than you, I will let you behind the professionals curtain. Let you sample the world of a champion. Not everyone knows these things. But in my years of playing this game, my friends and I have developed an entirely new language. And here it is, in alphabetical order. Feel free to make study flash cards:
Anal (protection): When you collect a weapon and instead of firing it instantly just to waste it, you hold the Z trigger button to hold said weapon on the back of your cart as you race. That way, when a shell (or shells) is fired at you, it bounces off the banana/shell/box. That's anal. Cuz it protects ya ass. If you're really good, you can knock out 2 shells with 1 anal. But that takes skill and you fucking suck.
Bank-BlowJob Index: When you collect a green shell and hold it off your ass (anal) and fire it backwards. You MUST call 'BANK', 'NUMBER OF BANKS' (i.e. 2 or 3 or 4 etc.(optional)), and 'RACER NAME'. Example: DOUBLE BANK TO. Then I knock the shell off a guardrail/wall, then another guardrail/wall (twice), it strikes him, and he owes me 4 blowjobs, effective immediately. The number of blowjobs owed is determined by (number of banks)( the number of banks). This makes multiple banks extremely dangerous to get hit by. You do NOT want to be blowing your roommates/friends. We don't shower much so it's like extra bad. The running total of blowjobs you can hold over your opponents head is defined in the bank-blow job index.
Black Men: The black, spiked bushes with faces in Yoshi Valley aka The Place Where Dreams Die. If you come in contact with them, you spin out and lose control and go flying into a guardrail/over a cliff. We call them black men cause they fuck everything up and appear to have afros. But for real I love black people. These bushes just happen to be black and male. I don't write the rules. The Japs do in this case.
Dick McTwaterson: Is a fucker. It's that fucking meowing penguin on the Sherbet Land race track that slides face-first and tries to fuck yo shit up. MEEOWW. MOOWWWWWW. MOWWWWW. STFU DICK MCTWATERSON. Ya dick. You're a penguin. I'm an Italian plumber that is a gross generalization of Italian-Americans and is probably a bit offensive to people that care about stupid shit like video game characters nationalities.
EVERYBODY'S LITTLE: Credit to Steve, I believe. Is optional and often under-utilized. When you collect a lightning bolt weapon, deploy it, and while everyone is spinning, flashing, and shrinking, you yell it outloud for all to hear.
Fire Ass: When the floating guy with the stoplight comes into your screen at the beginning of the race, you need to look to time the start right and get off the line quickly. Somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd light lighting, hold 'A' and you BLAST off the starting line, leaving your opponents to start slowly while you jump out in first. Your ass appears to be on fire. Like hemorrhoids.
Frank: Used to describe the purple spiked shell that hunts down the person in first place and FUCK THEM SOOOO HARD. Derived from Frank Thomas's nickname, The Big Hurt. It also evolved into the child's cartoon character, Franklin the Turtle. Because Franklin has a shell. And the song to the cartoon went 'Heeeyyy its Franklin'. We changed the lyrics to the theme song a little and made it a bit more appropriate. This is to be sung while Frank hunts the asshole of the person in first. There is a lot of room for improv here but this is the general idea:
"Heyyyy it's Franklin
Comiiiiiiin' to your house
Heyyyy it's Franklin
Rapinnnnn your dog
and killinnnnn yourrr kids."
can also include:
Fuckin yourrr dog.
Beatinnnn your kids.
Banginnnnnn your wife.
Fucking creativity.
Grundle Ride: Most common in levels where the track is narrow and there is no buffer between the race track itself and the guardrail/wall. Can be seen most clearly in Choco Mountain and Toad's Turnpike. Happens when you just aren't very good/are a little drunk and can't navigate yo kart through the designated course area without hitting the wall. Does not occur with me. You can see these fucking amateurs do it at the :54 second mark. These kids are about as bad as they come. Drafting appears to be something they can't get a grasp on.
Honor: Can only happen in a close race. Must be 3 or more human players. When the first two racers cross the finish line, the last person to cross loses control and cannot finish, unless they are very close to the finish line as well. They can use the momentum to slide across the finish line. Honor is only awarded if A) the last person to finish announces it (therefore admitting that he has been beaten, but only just barely) B) the big number 3 lights up like the numbers of the 1st and 2nd finisher. Also applies to 4th.
Impact Box: Perhaps the original Mario Kart vocabulary word. But that has been lost in the sands of time and historians will never be able to truly know what really happened. When you collect an upside down question mark box as a weapon and plant it on or near the finish line. It waits there. As racers fight for position, they forget that the box is waiting on the finish line. They lose focus. They run into the box and other people zip by them. Impact boxes directly influence race results/positioning.
Offensive Banana: Toughest move to pull off. It is what we call a low percentage shot. Kinda like a 90-footer to beat the buzzer. By Kendrick Perkins. You collect a single banana or string of bananas. Hold the joystick forward and launch the banana(s) over your head and try to hit a player in front of you with them. I'd say this is hit 1 every 50 attempts. Maybe 1 in every 100 depending on a variety of factors (relatively much easier with a string of bananas). Who the fuck decided that banana peels are slippery and cause you to lose control of your vehicle? Same in cartoons. FUCK. BANANA PEEL. Those are obviously slippery enough to make you bust your ass. Banana peels are not more dangerous than ice. They just fucking rot and disintegrate.
Pain Train: Can be seen at the :21 second mark of Kalamri Desert. In a 4 player VS. the train is only one car long and can easily be avoided. Don't be an idiot. This shit is avoidable. Kinda like in real life, don't try to beat the train unless you KNOW you can make it. Or it will bring the pain.
Red Army: When you collect the 3-red shell weapon and deploy them to spin around your cart. Hold the shells, don't fire them immediately. Announce that you and the Red Army are coming to take all of their freedoms/money away. This makes the other people in front of you rreaallll fuckin' nervous. No one wants to be a Communist.
Retard start: The opposite of fire ass, but on a larger scale. Ideal in a 4 players versus. No one is talented or smart enough to get fire ass, so EVERYONE starts slowly. Usually happens about once a circuit with my friends and I. You're so used to hearing a player blast off the line that when it doesn't happen, it is a shock. It is always announced outloud, usually by more than one person, just to ensure that we all realize that that level or performance just isn't good enough. Keeps us honest.
Sparzo Treatment: A personal favorite. Because I lead an honest and clean life and am a great person, I have pretty solid karma. The Mario Kart Gods smile down upon me when I gots da controller in hand. It makes them happy to see me excel at something that I was put on this earth by them to do. Usually weapons like stars and lightnings are reserved for racers in 4th of 3rd. Very rarely do you get it in 2nd and you NEVER get one of those power weapons in 1st. Except me. When someone gets a 2nd place star/lightning, it is said that this person is receiving the Sparzo Treatment. They don't name things after you unless you're truly great.
5-5-5 Deal: This is the ultimate reward. Inspired by the old Domino's commercial in which they advertised 3 1-topping medium pizzas for just 5 bucks each. The 555 deal in Mario Kart can only be achieved with 3 racers. In a 16-race circuit, each racer finishes in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd exactly 5 times thru the first 15 tracks. Therefore, the screen between races shows that each racer has 5 1sts, 2nds, and 3rds. The ultimate in MK parity. As soon as the 555 deal is accomplished there are a number of things you must do:
1. Go bat-shit nuts. This was only achieved 3 times in my college career. 4 years. 1000s of circuits. Only happened thrice.
2. Call the nearest Domino's pizza immediately
3. Ask for the 555 Deal
4. They will say 'That no longer exists'
5. Say, 'That's fine' and order 3 medium, 1-topping pizzas of each racer's choice
6. Hang up phone.
7. Play Rainbow Road. They've got 30 minutes. The race takes between 6 and 7 mins.
THERE YA HAVE IT! You made it all the way through this fucking blog post? Are you serious? You must really hate your fucking job/class you're in. Like seriously if I had to sit and listen to some guy define made up words derived from his college video game experiences I might slit my wrists and jump in a bathtub with a blow-dryer. The fuck! Having said that, I issue a challenge to all my readers.
Challenge:
I will take anyone, anywhere, for money, in Mario Kart 64 for N64. I will come to you. I will defeat you. The only thing I request is that I use my own controller and I be Luigi. You can do whatever you want. You can even cheat. I will beat you head to head in every. single. race.
And that's a promise.
Friday Morning Coffee
Elmo like. I know I haven't posted in a week. My girlfriend has been in town. So I'm coming back strong to take you into the weekend.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
So should I drop Chris Bosh?
TOAST SOME WHITE FOLKS
All right but for real. He went 1 - 18 tonight. And I know he's averaging 18 and 8 this season. But FUCK. KILLING MY FANTASY TEAM BRO. This shit is unacceptable. Like going 1-18 from the field is punishable by death in real life so I think the least that I could do is drop you into waiver wire obscurity. Like I am pretty sure I could sleep in trash bags in an 80 degree room, wake up severely dehydrated, fall down my staircase, slice my Achilles' heels with my mother's new knife set (Like a Boss), break an arm/wrist, limp out to the driveway, get punched square in both eyes, then the balls, then get blindfolded, spun around a dozen times, pointed away from the hoop, shoot 18 times, and hit a minimum of 1 shot from 15-18 feet away. Ball don't lie when it comes off my silky fingertips. I should drop Bosh (a bitch) and pick up KG (not a bitch) who is shockingly still available in my league after coming back from injury. If KG goes for like 22pts/9boards against Denver tonight, I'll make it happen. I'll take his defense, 20 footer, and attitude over an ostrich-lookin, floppin', soft motherfucker anyday of the week. This shit can not happen again.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Give it up for the Armed Forces
THAT'S how you fucking T-Bag C4 baby! Gon'n moonwalk in ya moonsuit, moonman! Love the handwarming-around-the-campfire move. And just when you think he's going to pelvic thrust himself into a million pieces, he jumps on all fours and crabwalks around the thing. Then he emerges from the sand dooms and Notorious comes on. Then...FIRE IN THE HOLE. Like a boss with two assault rifles in hand shit blows to high hell. Lady Gaga is protecting the folks back home. God Bless 'Merica.
Tweet of the Day - Reggie Bush/Kardashian Fucker
Fuckin sand dooms. USC iz really krankin' owt sume Grayd A alooms.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wednesday Morning Coffee
Just trust me. You will enjoy this video. I am very super famous. More people know me than there are people who know how to eat.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Tweet of the Day - Asian Pornstar
Is this true love? I wrote Asa Akira here a beautiful poem:
..here goes....
Hey Asa, you take it in the ass,
And are the definition of class
I definitely like Asian girls,
and you look like a blast
I want to give you flowers,
And maybe make some kids
But the only thing you'd give me,
is a ferocious case of the HIV.
Tuesday Morning Coffee
T-T-TIMMAAAAA!!! Love it. Didn't post much yesterday. Sorry. I was (cough) busy
Monday, February 14, 2011
Tweet of the Day - 50 Cent
Is that right Curtis? Well my balls are like the Death Star. They're big as fuck, mostly steel, are attached to the Ultimate Weapon (penis), and can destroy entire planets.
Friday, February 11, 2011
The Battle for Melo
GET 'EM JEFFRIES.
Hottest ticket in town tonight is to MSG. Lakers are -3.5. 211 O/U.
Lakers are mid-road trip and coming off a mentally/physically tough game in Boston last night. Kobe averages 30ppg at the Garden. They handled the Knicks 109-87 back in January.
Knicks have dropped 10 of 14 and are dangerously close to licking the underside of .500. They looked like shit defensively against the Clips and let Randy Foye light 'em up. This is a front end of a back to back for them.
But it's all about Melo tonight. D'Antoni's been whining about how it hurts his players FEELINGS when fans chant 'We Want Melo'. Well, Knicks better sack up because you best believe it will be raining down from the rafters tonight. They're gonna need to hire a team therapist for the bus ride home tonight. Sticks and Stones, Knicks.
Matt's Luke-Warm Mortal Moneymaker:
Big night from Kobe. If this line were more like 8.5, I would lean more to the Knicks. But....
Lakers -3.5
UNDER
Is this Roofsnow Igloo worthwhile?
So Post-Snowpocalypse my house was a disaster zone. Ceiling in multiple rooms leakin'. Windows leakin. Light fixtures pissing dirty water all over my carpets. Buckets everywhere catchin' the drip. Fucking ice dams. Dominating my house, chimney top to foundation. So we called up Pepe Mexicano and his crew of illegal banditos and had them do serious snow removal from the roof. All 3 feet of it. Climbed around on my rooftop for like 3 hours peakin' in windows, peepin' my electronics/Little League trophies, casing the place. They promptly stole our best snow shovel after they finished. The real problem is they know where I live now. So many blocks of ice were coming off my roof it sounded like the house was going to collapse, where I would promptly be buried in a mountain of asbestos and Mexican. Such is my living situation. Hard out here in Fairfield.
Well I had to move all those fucking ice cubes away from the house foundation or we would have what I like to call another 'Christmas Eve Katrina'. A CEK, by definition, is when there is a large snow melt and high temperatures, it happens to be Xmas Eve, extended family joins in, and you bail your fucking basement out with empty pool chemical buckets for 8 hours until the sun comes up Christmas Morning. Looking to avoid that. So I moved these frozen ticking time water bombs away from the side of the crib and decided 'Eh might as well make a fucking igloo to shelter deer from high winds'.
We're about half way to completion and I want to know: Is this Roofsnow Igloo worthwhile?
Celts v. Sox: Who ya got?
OR
Lucked out HUGE in the last few months. My buddy has come up huge and has gotten his grimy, law school ginger hands on unfathomably awesome Celts/Sox tickets. So you tell me. In this head to head, who ya got?
Red Sox game: July 17 v. Texas. Cliff Lee v. John Lackey. 3rd base line behindish the visiting dugout. 19 rows back.
Highlights:
- Heidi F. Watney in her full pre-game glory. She's actually in that fuckin picture above. Look at that blondie. I only had my camera phone on me right then. Otherwise I woulda been 4x zoomed all up in those baseballs.
- $7.75 draft.
- This game was ridiculous. 11 innings. UNDER 3 hours. Groundball after groundball. Lackey went 7. Lee went 9. Both just shut the shit down.
- Game ended on a bases-loaded no-out sac fly to center by Youkilis.
- Game was out so early, I got to blackout on Absolut Boston at Game On before 10:30p. Fuckin' Elderflower. Underrated plant.
- Cab ride to hotel afterwards with a Irish cabbie that swore more than I do. So I'm told.
Celtics game: January 7th v. Toronto. 20 rows back. Opposite Home bench. Section 12.
Highlights:
- This was right before Perk came back. Got to see his gargoyle ass drag a 5 foot flat Asian dude across both baselines. Cant see that shit in the nosebleeds.
- $8.50 Sam draft
- Game is so much fuckin faster at floor level. Ray's release is even prettier in person.
- Rondo is a unique player in this league. Seeing him up close is unlike seeing any other player. Except maybe LeBron. Or Blake. I got to see both of them at Staples.
- Back of Tommy's head was clearly visible. As was the contents of his Styrofome cup. Whiskey. Probably Jim Beam. Tommy Points were handed out at a record clip.
- Celts won by 20. And it was the fucking Raptors.
- Shaq. I was sitting 20 rows back and the top of his dome was probably STILL higher than mine. He also sent Linas Kleiza to the emergency room with one of his brick-wall shoulders. They got him listed at 325. You know who's ~325? BJ fucking Raji. And he's listed at 6'2''. Shaq ain't Raji-fat. But he's a foot taller. Gotta be at least 375-400lbs.
If you could sit in either of these seats, all game variables being known, what would you choose?
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