I will run you fucking ragged in this game. And before you start thinking you have a chance at beating me, let me explain a few things to you. Like it or not, I used to play this game minimum 2 times a day in college. Everyday. And when I say 'play' I mean run through all 16 tracks against 3 other fiercely competitive roommates. And more than often than not, I would win races. So before you start reliving the glory days of 5th grade and how awesome you were on the sticks, understand that I don't give a fuck. This here is a grown man's game. Like if you aren't bump-drafting or drifting around every turn, I will beat you by a full lap minimum. I've never tried this, but I am 100% sure I can beat anyone other than my college roommates without using a single weapon. Just straight up NASCAR-style. I don't give a fuck WHO you are. You can be a 12 year old Asian boy. You can be a teenager. You can be a businessman in a suit 'n tie makin' 100k. I will whoop yo punk ass from Luigi Raceway to Rainbow Road. Just to prove how much more experience I have in this game than you, I will let you behind the professionals curtain. Let you sample the world of a champion. Not everyone knows these things. But in my years of playing this game, my friends and I have developed an entirely new language. And here it is, in alphabetical order. Feel free to make study flash cards:
Anal (protection): When you collect a weapon and instead of firing it instantly just to waste it, you hold the Z trigger button to hold said weapon on the back of your cart as you race. That way, when a shell (or shells) is fired at you, it bounces off the banana/shell/box. That's anal. Cuz it protects ya ass. If you're really good, you can knock out 2 shells with 1 anal. But that takes skill and you fucking suck.
Bank-BlowJob Index: When you collect a green shell and hold it off your ass (anal) and fire it backwards. You MUST call 'BANK', 'NUMBER OF BANKS' (i.e. 2 or 3 or 4 etc.(optional)), and 'RACER NAME'. Example: DOUBLE BANK TO. Then I knock the shell off a guardrail/wall, then another guardrail/wall (twice), it strikes him, and he owes me 4 blowjobs, effective immediately. The number of blowjobs owed is determined by (number of banks)( the number of banks). This makes multiple banks extremely dangerous to get hit by. You do NOT want to be blowing your roommates/friends. We don't shower much so it's like extra bad. The running total of blowjobs you can hold over your opponents head is defined in the bank-blow job index.
Black Men: The black, spiked bushes with faces in Yoshi Valley aka The Place Where Dreams Die. If you come in contact with them, you spin out and lose control and go flying into a guardrail/over a cliff. We call them black men cause they fuck everything up and appear to have afros. But for real I love black people. These bushes just happen to be black and male. I don't write the rules. The Japs do in this case.
Dick McTwaterson: Is a fucker. It's that fucking meowing penguin on the Sherbet Land race track that slides face-first and tries to fuck yo shit up. MEEOWW. MOOWWWWWW. MOWWWWW. STFU DICK MCTWATERSON. Ya dick. You're a penguin. I'm an Italian plumber that is a gross generalization of Italian-Americans and is probably a bit offensive to people that care about stupid shit like video game characters nationalities.
EVERYBODY'S LITTLE: Credit to Steve, I believe. Is optional and often under-utilized. When you collect a lightning bolt weapon, deploy it, and while everyone is spinning, flashing, and shrinking, you yell it outloud for all to hear.
Fire Ass: When the floating guy with the stoplight comes into your screen at the beginning of the race, you need to look to time the start right and get off the line quickly. Somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd light lighting, hold 'A' and you BLAST off the starting line, leaving your opponents to start slowly while you jump out in first. Your ass appears to be on fire. Like hemorrhoids.
Frank: Used to describe the purple spiked shell that hunts down the person in first place and FUCK THEM SOOOO HARD. Derived from Frank Thomas's nickname, The Big Hurt. It also evolved into the child's cartoon character, Franklin the Turtle. Because Franklin has a shell. And the song to the cartoon went 'Heeeyyy its Franklin'. We changed the lyrics to the theme song a little and made it a bit more appropriate. This is to be sung while Frank hunts the asshole of the person in first. There is a lot of room for improv here but this is the general idea:
"Heyyyy it's Franklin
Comiiiiiiin' to your house
Heyyyy it's Franklin
Rapinnnnn your dog
and killinnnnn yourrr kids."
can also include:
Fuckin yourrr dog.
Beatinnnn your kids.
Banginnnnnn your wife.
Fucking creativity.
Grundle Ride: Most common in levels where the track is narrow and there is no buffer between the race track itself and the guardrail/wall. Can be seen most clearly in Choco Mountain and Toad's Turnpike. Happens when you just aren't very good/are a little drunk and can't navigate yo kart through the designated course area without hitting the wall. Does not occur with me. You can see these fucking amateurs do it at the :54 second mark. These kids are about as bad as they come. Drafting appears to be something they can't get a grasp on.
Honor: Can only happen in a close race. Must be 3 or more human players. When the first two racers cross the finish line, the last person to cross loses control and cannot finish, unless they are very close to the finish line as well. They can use the momentum to slide across the finish line. Honor is only awarded if A) the last person to finish announces it (therefore admitting that he has been beaten, but only just barely) B) the big number 3 lights up like the numbers of the 1st and 2nd finisher. Also applies to 4th.
Impact Box: Perhaps the original Mario Kart vocabulary word. But that has been lost in the sands of time and historians will never be able to truly know what really happened. When you collect an upside down question mark box as a weapon and plant it on or near the finish line. It waits there. As racers fight for position, they forget that the box is waiting on the finish line. They lose focus. They run into the box and other people zip by them. Impact boxes directly influence race results/positioning.
Offensive Banana: Toughest move to pull off. It is what we call a low percentage shot. Kinda like a 90-footer to beat the buzzer. By Kendrick Perkins. You collect a single banana or string of bananas. Hold the joystick forward and launch the banana(s) over your head and try to hit a player in front of you with them. I'd say this is hit 1 every 50 attempts. Maybe 1 in every 100 depending on a variety of factors (relatively much easier with a string of bananas). Who the fuck decided that banana peels are slippery and cause you to lose control of your vehicle? Same in cartoons. FUCK. BANANA PEEL. Those are obviously slippery enough to make you bust your ass. Banana peels are not more dangerous than ice. They just fucking rot and disintegrate.
Pain Train: Can be seen at the :21 second mark of Kalamri Desert. In a 4 player VS. the train is only one car long and can easily be avoided. Don't be an idiot. This shit is avoidable. Kinda like in real life, don't try to beat the train unless you KNOW you can make it. Or it will bring the pain.
Red Army: When you collect the 3-red shell weapon and deploy them to spin around your cart. Hold the shells, don't fire them immediately. Announce that you and the Red Army are coming to take all of their freedoms/money away. This makes the other people in front of you rreaallll fuckin' nervous. No one wants to be a Communist.
Retard start: The opposite of fire ass, but on a larger scale. Ideal in a 4 players versus. No one is talented or smart enough to get fire ass, so EVERYONE starts slowly. Usually happens about once a circuit with my friends and I. You're so used to hearing a player blast off the line that when it doesn't happen, it is a shock. It is always announced outloud, usually by more than one person, just to ensure that we all realize that that level or performance just isn't good enough. Keeps us honest.
Sparzo Treatment: A personal favorite. Because I lead an honest and clean life and am a great person, I have pretty solid karma. The Mario Kart Gods smile down upon me when I gots da controller in hand. It makes them happy to see me excel at something that I was put on this earth by them to do. Usually weapons like stars and lightnings are reserved for racers in 4th of 3rd. Very rarely do you get it in 2nd and you NEVER get one of those power weapons in 1st. Except me. When someone gets a 2nd place star/lightning, it is said that this person is receiving the Sparzo Treatment. They don't name things after you unless you're truly great.
5-5-5 Deal: This is the ultimate reward. Inspired by the old Domino's commercial in which they advertised 3 1-topping medium pizzas for just 5 bucks each. The 555 deal in Mario Kart can only be achieved with 3 racers. In a 16-race circuit, each racer finishes in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd exactly 5 times thru the first 15 tracks. Therefore, the screen between races shows that each racer has 5 1sts, 2nds, and 3rds. The ultimate in MK parity. As soon as the 555 deal is accomplished there are a number of things you must do:
1. Go bat-shit nuts. This was only achieved 3 times in my college career. 4 years. 1000s of circuits. Only happened thrice.
2. Call the nearest Domino's pizza immediately
3. Ask for the 555 Deal
4. They will say 'That no longer exists'
5. Say, 'That's fine' and order 3 medium, 1-topping pizzas of each racer's choice
6. Hang up phone.
7. Play Rainbow Road. They've got 30 minutes. The race takes between 6 and 7 mins.
THERE YA HAVE IT! You made it all the way through this fucking blog post? Are you serious? You must really hate your fucking job/class you're in. Like seriously if I had to sit and listen to some guy define made up words derived from his college video game experiences I might slit my wrists and jump in a bathtub with a blow-dryer. The fuck! Having said that, I issue a challenge to all my readers.
Challenge:
I will take anyone, anywhere, for money, in Mario Kart 64 for N64. I will come to you. I will defeat you. The only thing I request is that I use my own controller and I be Luigi. You can do whatever you want. You can even cheat. I will beat you head to head in every. single. race.
And that's a promise.
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