Yes. This is a blog about boners. Im about 8 beers deep and I figured why the hell not. Boners. How fuckin weird is it that they're full of blood? Like you got this hard on and you're like 'OH YEA. IM HARD. LETS GET TOGETHER AND DO THE SEX.' I mean that's natural right? But that big meaty cock your're cradling is just full of nasty blood. Blood festers diseases. Things like AIDS. Girls really want that fucking blood bag shoved up inside of them?? No thanks!
In a rare spot, I am letting my friend Steve weigh in:
"Erections. Nature’s awkward turtle. Every guy can remember the days of sitting in 8th grade math class, getting called to board to write out your homework problem and realizing that you’ve got one hell of a chubby sitting down below. With all eyes on you, performing the bellybutton uptuck became one of those gifts that truly separated the men from the boys. It was a matter of natural selection, really. Either pull it off, slide that thing up into your belt and get up there acting like a G, or waddle up to the board weakly attempting to cover your baby-arm blaster with binders and textbooks. From the earliest days of puberty, fine upstanding gentlemen like myself have mastered the art of dealing with a boner.
It seems natural. Every middle-school aged boy learns how to deal with a boner. Some hide it, some embrace it. Ultimately, no blossoming young man can ignore it. It is one monster you cannot keep hidden under your bed pretending it doesn’t exist. Some of us go the way of masturbation. Whether you stole your Dad’s collection of late 80’s Penthouse’s or infected your family’s computer with hundreds of viruses while unknowingly shaming yourself through promiscuous search histories, we all managed to rid ourselves of our unsuspecting erectile assaults. Much to our dismay, our boners had a great deal of sticktuitiveness. They never seemed to go away for long. Masturbation would only keep the beast at bay for so long. Inevitably, if we were to survive this evolutionary process, we would eventually have to upgrade to utilizing actual women in the battle against erectile eradication.
This experience developed into an entirely new challenge, one that might be considered to be of equal difficulty. How exactly do you get a girl to give you a “good old fashioned” at 14 years old. The answer: Awkwardly. Let’s face it. Many of us have no idea how to woo women in our twenties. Why anyone thought we’d be able to do it at 14 is beyond me. If you’re like me, you tried everything from having your friends talk to girls for you to getting drunk off of two Coors Lights and presenting your piece like the 21 gun salute following a Patriot’s touchdown. Whatever your strategy, you (as I did) likely crashed and burned several times before getting it right. Thus is the essence of the adolescent boy’s struggle to manage his bone-piece."
I think if I were a girl I would prefer something else. Thank god I'm not a girl though. I have developed a beautiful relationship with my man part. I've been told it's big. I've been told it's pretty. I just call it mine. If I had to surrender my cock for a lady part that bleeds every 30 days? Eh. I don't know what I would do. Nothing like running into a bar bathroom, whipping out the hose and depositing the beer you just drank in the nearest urinal. Emergency style. I like to hold it with both hands. Interlocking thumbs. Kung-Fu grip style. Imagine prying my cock from my ice cold hands. I know you like it. But then again, it all depends on the forum. For example, if I am in the Boston Garden pissing with faggy Boston homers on either side of me that are obviously trying to see what the cock of a Connecticut boy looks like, I tuck the arms in, hide my dick, and piss like I've been there before. But thats how I hold it when I piss. How do you piss? I tuck the boxers under my balls and let it rain.
I love you readers.
-M
And this is where I'm glad you don't talk about me.
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