Kim Kardashian and CGI Asses

 

Kim. Baby. Let me just start by saying, your CGI asshole looked tremendous in those spandex booty shorts and Sketchers Shape-Ups during the Super Bowl. That commercial made me sweat a little bit. Well, that and my Packers -2.5 bet. But we all know your ass is considerably larger than that. I understand that Sketchers HAD to scale it back a little bit with so that the 3rd graders in Wisconsin watchin' their Pack didn't get blasted in the face with the largest ass of our generation. Probably called in Michael Bay and his Transformers animation crew to make it a more reasonable size. I get it.

That being said, how the fuck did you get involved with Kris Humphries? I'm sure all of our lady readers have been introduced to Kris Humphires through People.com and all that shit. But do you understand how small time this dude is? And how not small time Kim is? Dude was drafted in '04 and has been on 4 NBA teams since. And he plays for the New Jersey Nets. And is from Minnesota. And is KILLING Brook Lopez's rebound numbers this year with his douchey hustle and effort. Which is, in turn, destroying my fantasy team.  'DEERRR I DO THE INTANGIBLES. DERRR MY EFFORT ISN'T REFLECTED IN THE BOXSCORE." Yeah, I watch Nets games when the Knicks aren't playing. Probably one of 7 in the Tri-State area that can say that. Ask anyone. I literally curse his name during games. "FUCK YOU, KRIS HUMPHRIES."

And now I come to find out that not only is he fuckin' with my fantasy stats, he's also plowing the sex tape All-Star herself, Kim Kardashian. How can you pull KK when you only average 8 points a game! Didn't she used to get with Reggie Bush and Miles Austin? And then she got taped "Doin' It" doggiestyle for the Love of Ray-J, right? Ha. Wasn't she married to Reggie or something? Those are big time names! Plus, he's a 6'9'' power forward and she's probably like, what?, 5'2''? That's ridiculous! Imagine the angles and geometry and shit of their sex life. Ok, you don't have to, but you gotta wonder how it all works. Kim could get seriously hurt. She probably has a getting-crushed/smothered fetish. Never understood the extra height difference appeal. Just looks like a fuckin' circus sideshow. So ladies...tell me...is Kris here really good looking or something? Above the call of duty in the bedroom, perhaps? Leave me a comment and help my little brain wrap itself around what Kim's Tempur-Pedic ass is thinking. I just don't understand how this happened.