Monday, February 28, 2011
N! E! T! S! NETS! NETS! NETS!
Fuck yes. I love this deal for the Nets. Love it. I think Salt Lake should bring this ad back, though. This was filmed a year ago but it is PERFECT for right now. Deron chases Sloan out. Wrist injury. Everyone gets all fucking paranoid that he won't resign in 2012 and will bolt to play with Dwight or A'melo. BOOM. Jazz get max trade value for this guy and ship him off to the communist owner in Brooklyn. Traded to Jersey. Having watched 2 games of his (and dozens of his games in Utah), I'm convinced that the Nets are already a better team. I can't believe I am doing this...but... Nets blog time....
1. Probs only 4 guys in the league that can find a player anywhere on the floor and get him the ball in the exact place he likes it. CP3, Nash, Rondo, and Deron. Similar to the Melo deal, no matter what you have to give, you go out and get the elite All-Star, because these guys aren't easy to find.
2. The Nets didn't give up THAT much to get him! Ok fine. Derrick Favors went #2 overall. But if you've seen his offensive game...you would know that his 'Raw Athleticism' is just a nice way of saying 'Boy, this kid fucking sucks and is a long team project for us.' Who wants that?
3. They gave up Devin Harris. Devin Harris peaked 2 years ago and is not a big enough guy to carry the scoring load for the next few years without tweaking and ankle, or worse. He was a trendy player when he was traded FROM Dallas for JKidd, but it appears that may have been hype based on a quick guy that had a nie run in the playoffs that year. Is this kid the guy you want running the franchise? He'll probably be starting in Utah soon, but I'm not afraid of him in any sense.
4. Pick and Roll. Nobody gets more out of their PF/Cs than Deron Williams. He helped Boozer return to elite status last season in Utah and got the Booze Cruise a 5yr/$80mil payday from ChiTown. He gelled quickly with Al Jefferson this season. Sure it was the Jerry Sloan system that Stockton and Malone ran before DWill was even outta middle school. But that shit works and if Avery Johnson is as smart a coach as I THINK he is, he'll figure this out quickly. He will let Deron run the team at whatever pace he wants. Look for team scoring to jump. With Deron, Brook Lopez has the ability to flourish in a pick 'n' roll system. His game fits that type of style. He has range for a big man. He can finish with both hands. Quick baby hooks in tight spaces over defenders are something he's been doing since Stanford. Plus, he's my fantasy guy...so this is me being all optimistic and shit. But fuck he can't get any LESS productive, right?
Next game:
Tonight 7pm v. PHX
Tweet of the Day - Johnathan Mandeldove
Oh, no. Might be in trouble for this one. Ladies LOVE....the Dove.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Mario Kart, My Life, and how I will dominate you
I will run you fucking ragged in this game. And before you start thinking you have a chance at beating me, let me explain a few things to you. Like it or not, I used to play this game minimum 2 times a day in college. Everyday. And when I say 'play' I mean run through all 16 tracks against 3 other fiercely competitive roommates. And more than often than not, I would win races. So before you start reliving the glory days of 5th grade and how awesome you were on the sticks, understand that I don't give a fuck. This here is a grown man's game. Like if you aren't bump-drafting or drifting around every turn, I will beat you by a full lap minimum. I've never tried this, but I am 100% sure I can beat anyone other than my college roommates without using a single weapon. Just straight up NASCAR-style. I don't give a fuck WHO you are. You can be a 12 year old Asian boy. You can be a teenager. You can be a businessman in a suit 'n tie makin' 100k. I will whoop yo punk ass from Luigi Raceway to Rainbow Road. Just to prove how much more experience I have in this game than you, I will let you behind the professionals curtain. Let you sample the world of a champion. Not everyone knows these things. But in my years of playing this game, my friends and I have developed an entirely new language. And here it is, in alphabetical order. Feel free to make study flash cards:
Anal (protection): When you collect a weapon and instead of firing it instantly just to waste it, you hold the Z trigger button to hold said weapon on the back of your cart as you race. That way, when a shell (or shells) is fired at you, it bounces off the banana/shell/box. That's anal. Cuz it protects ya ass. If you're really good, you can knock out 2 shells with 1 anal. But that takes skill and you fucking suck.
Bank-BlowJob Index: When you collect a green shell and hold it off your ass (anal) and fire it backwards. You MUST call 'BANK', 'NUMBER OF BANKS' (i.e. 2 or 3 or 4 etc.(optional)), and 'RACER NAME'. Example: DOUBLE BANK TO. Then I knock the shell off a guardrail/wall, then another guardrail/wall (twice), it strikes him, and he owes me 4 blowjobs, effective immediately. The number of blowjobs owed is determined by (number of banks)( the number of banks). This makes multiple banks extremely dangerous to get hit by. You do NOT want to be blowing your roommates/friends. We don't shower much so it's like extra bad. The running total of blowjobs you can hold over your opponents head is defined in the bank-blow job index.
Black Men: The black, spiked bushes with faces in Yoshi Valley aka The Place Where Dreams Die. If you come in contact with them, you spin out and lose control and go flying into a guardrail/over a cliff. We call them black men cause they fuck everything up and appear to have afros. But for real I love black people. These bushes just happen to be black and male. I don't write the rules. The Japs do in this case.
Dick McTwaterson: Is a fucker. It's that fucking meowing penguin on the Sherbet Land race track that slides face-first and tries to fuck yo shit up. MEEOWW. MOOWWWWWW. MOWWWWW. STFU DICK MCTWATERSON. Ya dick. You're a penguin. I'm an Italian plumber that is a gross generalization of Italian-Americans and is probably a bit offensive to people that care about stupid shit like video game characters nationalities.
EVERYBODY'S LITTLE: Credit to Steve, I believe. Is optional and often under-utilized. When you collect a lightning bolt weapon, deploy it, and while everyone is spinning, flashing, and shrinking, you yell it outloud for all to hear.
Fire Ass: When the floating guy with the stoplight comes into your screen at the beginning of the race, you need to look to time the start right and get off the line quickly. Somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd light lighting, hold 'A' and you BLAST off the starting line, leaving your opponents to start slowly while you jump out in first. Your ass appears to be on fire. Like hemorrhoids.
Frank: Used to describe the purple spiked shell that hunts down the person in first place and FUCK THEM SOOOO HARD. Derived from Frank Thomas's nickname, The Big Hurt. It also evolved into the child's cartoon character, Franklin the Turtle. Because Franklin has a shell. And the song to the cartoon went 'Heeeyyy its Franklin'. We changed the lyrics to the theme song a little and made it a bit more appropriate. This is to be sung while Frank hunts the asshole of the person in first. There is a lot of room for improv here but this is the general idea:
"Heyyyy it's Franklin
Comiiiiiiin' to your house
Heyyyy it's Franklin
Rapinnnnn your dog
and killinnnnn yourrr kids."
can also include:
Fuckin yourrr dog.
Beatinnnn your kids.
Banginnnnnn your wife.
Fucking creativity.
Grundle Ride: Most common in levels where the track is narrow and there is no buffer between the race track itself and the guardrail/wall. Can be seen most clearly in Choco Mountain and Toad's Turnpike. Happens when you just aren't very good/are a little drunk and can't navigate yo kart through the designated course area without hitting the wall. Does not occur with me. You can see these fucking amateurs do it at the :54 second mark. These kids are about as bad as they come. Drafting appears to be something they can't get a grasp on.
Honor: Can only happen in a close race. Must be 3 or more human players. When the first two racers cross the finish line, the last person to cross loses control and cannot finish, unless they are very close to the finish line as well. They can use the momentum to slide across the finish line. Honor is only awarded if A) the last person to finish announces it (therefore admitting that he has been beaten, but only just barely) B) the big number 3 lights up like the numbers of the 1st and 2nd finisher. Also applies to 4th.
Impact Box: Perhaps the original Mario Kart vocabulary word. But that has been lost in the sands of time and historians will never be able to truly know what really happened. When you collect an upside down question mark box as a weapon and plant it on or near the finish line. It waits there. As racers fight for position, they forget that the box is waiting on the finish line. They lose focus. They run into the box and other people zip by them. Impact boxes directly influence race results/positioning.
Offensive Banana: Toughest move to pull off. It is what we call a low percentage shot. Kinda like a 90-footer to beat the buzzer. By Kendrick Perkins. You collect a single banana or string of bananas. Hold the joystick forward and launch the banana(s) over your head and try to hit a player in front of you with them. I'd say this is hit 1 every 50 attempts. Maybe 1 in every 100 depending on a variety of factors (relatively much easier with a string of bananas). Who the fuck decided that banana peels are slippery and cause you to lose control of your vehicle? Same in cartoons. FUCK. BANANA PEEL. Those are obviously slippery enough to make you bust your ass. Banana peels are not more dangerous than ice. They just fucking rot and disintegrate.
Pain Train: Can be seen at the :21 second mark of Kalamri Desert. In a 4 player VS. the train is only one car long and can easily be avoided. Don't be an idiot. This shit is avoidable. Kinda like in real life, don't try to beat the train unless you KNOW you can make it. Or it will bring the pain.
Red Army: When you collect the 3-red shell weapon and deploy them to spin around your cart. Hold the shells, don't fire them immediately. Announce that you and the Red Army are coming to take all of their freedoms/money away. This makes the other people in front of you rreaallll fuckin' nervous. No one wants to be a Communist.
Retard start: The opposite of fire ass, but on a larger scale. Ideal in a 4 players versus. No one is talented or smart enough to get fire ass, so EVERYONE starts slowly. Usually happens about once a circuit with my friends and I. You're so used to hearing a player blast off the line that when it doesn't happen, it is a shock. It is always announced outloud, usually by more than one person, just to ensure that we all realize that that level or performance just isn't good enough. Keeps us honest.
Sparzo Treatment: A personal favorite. Because I lead an honest and clean life and am a great person, I have pretty solid karma. The Mario Kart Gods smile down upon me when I gots da controller in hand. It makes them happy to see me excel at something that I was put on this earth by them to do. Usually weapons like stars and lightnings are reserved for racers in 4th of 3rd. Very rarely do you get it in 2nd and you NEVER get one of those power weapons in 1st. Except me. When someone gets a 2nd place star/lightning, it is said that this person is receiving the Sparzo Treatment. They don't name things after you unless you're truly great.
5-5-5 Deal: This is the ultimate reward. Inspired by the old Domino's commercial in which they advertised 3 1-topping medium pizzas for just 5 bucks each. The 555 deal in Mario Kart can only be achieved with 3 racers. In a 16-race circuit, each racer finishes in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd exactly 5 times thru the first 15 tracks. Therefore, the screen between races shows that each racer has 5 1sts, 2nds, and 3rds. The ultimate in MK parity. As soon as the 555 deal is accomplished there are a number of things you must do:
1. Go bat-shit nuts. This was only achieved 3 times in my college career. 4 years. 1000s of circuits. Only happened thrice.
2. Call the nearest Domino's pizza immediately
3. Ask for the 555 Deal
4. They will say 'That no longer exists'
5. Say, 'That's fine' and order 3 medium, 1-topping pizzas of each racer's choice
6. Hang up phone.
7. Play Rainbow Road. They've got 30 minutes. The race takes between 6 and 7 mins.
THERE YA HAVE IT! You made it all the way through this fucking blog post? Are you serious? You must really hate your fucking job/class you're in. Like seriously if I had to sit and listen to some guy define made up words derived from his college video game experiences I might slit my wrists and jump in a bathtub with a blow-dryer. The fuck! Having said that, I issue a challenge to all my readers.
Challenge:
I will take anyone, anywhere, for money, in Mario Kart 64 for N64. I will come to you. I will defeat you. The only thing I request is that I use my own controller and I be Luigi. You can do whatever you want. You can even cheat. I will beat you head to head in every. single. race.
And that's a promise.
Friday Morning Coffee
Elmo like. I know I haven't posted in a week. My girlfriend has been in town. So I'm coming back strong to take you into the weekend.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
So should I drop Chris Bosh?
TOAST SOME WHITE FOLKS
All right but for real. He went 1 - 18 tonight. And I know he's averaging 18 and 8 this season. But FUCK. KILLING MY FANTASY TEAM BRO. This shit is unacceptable. Like going 1-18 from the field is punishable by death in real life so I think the least that I could do is drop you into waiver wire obscurity. Like I am pretty sure I could sleep in trash bags in an 80 degree room, wake up severely dehydrated, fall down my staircase, slice my Achilles' heels with my mother's new knife set (Like a Boss), break an arm/wrist, limp out to the driveway, get punched square in both eyes, then the balls, then get blindfolded, spun around a dozen times, pointed away from the hoop, shoot 18 times, and hit a minimum of 1 shot from 15-18 feet away. Ball don't lie when it comes off my silky fingertips. I should drop Bosh (a bitch) and pick up KG (not a bitch) who is shockingly still available in my league after coming back from injury. If KG goes for like 22pts/9boards against Denver tonight, I'll make it happen. I'll take his defense, 20 footer, and attitude over an ostrich-lookin, floppin', soft motherfucker anyday of the week. This shit can not happen again.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Give it up for the Armed Forces
THAT'S how you fucking T-Bag C4 baby! Gon'n moonwalk in ya moonsuit, moonman! Love the handwarming-around-the-campfire move. And just when you think he's going to pelvic thrust himself into a million pieces, he jumps on all fours and crabwalks around the thing. Then he emerges from the sand dooms and Notorious comes on. Then...FIRE IN THE HOLE. Like a boss with two assault rifles in hand shit blows to high hell. Lady Gaga is protecting the folks back home. God Bless 'Merica.
Tweet of the Day - Reggie Bush/Kardashian Fucker
Fuckin sand dooms. USC iz really krankin' owt sume Grayd A alooms.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wednesday Morning Coffee
Just trust me. You will enjoy this video. I am very super famous. More people know me than there are people who know how to eat.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Tweet of the Day - Asian Pornstar
Is this true love? I wrote Asa Akira here a beautiful poem:
..here goes....
Hey Asa, you take it in the ass,
And are the definition of class
I definitely like Asian girls,
and you look like a blast
I want to give you flowers,
And maybe make some kids
But the only thing you'd give me,
is a ferocious case of the HIV.
Tuesday Morning Coffee
T-T-TIMMAAAAA!!! Love it. Didn't post much yesterday. Sorry. I was (cough) busy
Monday, February 14, 2011
Tweet of the Day - 50 Cent
Is that right Curtis? Well my balls are like the Death Star. They're big as fuck, mostly steel, are attached to the Ultimate Weapon (penis), and can destroy entire planets.
Friday, February 11, 2011
The Battle for Melo
GET 'EM JEFFRIES.
Hottest ticket in town tonight is to MSG. Lakers are -3.5. 211 O/U.
Lakers are mid-road trip and coming off a mentally/physically tough game in Boston last night. Kobe averages 30ppg at the Garden. They handled the Knicks 109-87 back in January.
Knicks have dropped 10 of 14 and are dangerously close to licking the underside of .500. They looked like shit defensively against the Clips and let Randy Foye light 'em up. This is a front end of a back to back for them.
But it's all about Melo tonight. D'Antoni's been whining about how it hurts his players FEELINGS when fans chant 'We Want Melo'. Well, Knicks better sack up because you best believe it will be raining down from the rafters tonight. They're gonna need to hire a team therapist for the bus ride home tonight. Sticks and Stones, Knicks.
Matt's Luke-Warm Mortal Moneymaker:
Big night from Kobe. If this line were more like 8.5, I would lean more to the Knicks. But....
Lakers -3.5
UNDER
Is this Roofsnow Igloo worthwhile?
So Post-Snowpocalypse my house was a disaster zone. Ceiling in multiple rooms leakin'. Windows leakin. Light fixtures pissing dirty water all over my carpets. Buckets everywhere catchin' the drip. Fucking ice dams. Dominating my house, chimney top to foundation. So we called up Pepe Mexicano and his crew of illegal banditos and had them do serious snow removal from the roof. All 3 feet of it. Climbed around on my rooftop for like 3 hours peakin' in windows, peepin' my electronics/Little League trophies, casing the place. They promptly stole our best snow shovel after they finished. The real problem is they know where I live now. So many blocks of ice were coming off my roof it sounded like the house was going to collapse, where I would promptly be buried in a mountain of asbestos and Mexican. Such is my living situation. Hard out here in Fairfield.
Well I had to move all those fucking ice cubes away from the house foundation or we would have what I like to call another 'Christmas Eve Katrina'. A CEK, by definition, is when there is a large snow melt and high temperatures, it happens to be Xmas Eve, extended family joins in, and you bail your fucking basement out with empty pool chemical buckets for 8 hours until the sun comes up Christmas Morning. Looking to avoid that. So I moved these frozen ticking time water bombs away from the side of the crib and decided 'Eh might as well make a fucking igloo to shelter deer from high winds'.
We're about half way to completion and I want to know: Is this Roofsnow Igloo worthwhile?
Celts v. Sox: Who ya got?
OR
Lucked out HUGE in the last few months. My buddy has come up huge and has gotten his grimy, law school ginger hands on unfathomably awesome Celts/Sox tickets. So you tell me. In this head to head, who ya got?
Red Sox game: July 17 v. Texas. Cliff Lee v. John Lackey. 3rd base line behindish the visiting dugout. 19 rows back.
Highlights:
- Heidi F. Watney in her full pre-game glory. She's actually in that fuckin picture above. Look at that blondie. I only had my camera phone on me right then. Otherwise I woulda been 4x zoomed all up in those baseballs.
- $7.75 draft.
- This game was ridiculous. 11 innings. UNDER 3 hours. Groundball after groundball. Lackey went 7. Lee went 9. Both just shut the shit down.
- Game ended on a bases-loaded no-out sac fly to center by Youkilis.
- Game was out so early, I got to blackout on Absolut Boston at Game On before 10:30p. Fuckin' Elderflower. Underrated plant.
- Cab ride to hotel afterwards with a Irish cabbie that swore more than I do. So I'm told.
Celtics game: January 7th v. Toronto. 20 rows back. Opposite Home bench. Section 12.
Highlights:
- This was right before Perk came back. Got to see his gargoyle ass drag a 5 foot flat Asian dude across both baselines. Cant see that shit in the nosebleeds.
- $8.50 Sam draft
- Game is so much fuckin faster at floor level. Ray's release is even prettier in person.
- Rondo is a unique player in this league. Seeing him up close is unlike seeing any other player. Except maybe LeBron. Or Blake. I got to see both of them at Staples.
- Back of Tommy's head was clearly visible. As was the contents of his Styrofome cup. Whiskey. Probably Jim Beam. Tommy Points were handed out at a record clip.
- Celts won by 20. And it was the fucking Raptors.
- Shaq. I was sitting 20 rows back and the top of his dome was probably STILL higher than mine. He also sent Linas Kleiza to the emergency room with one of his brick-wall shoulders. They got him listed at 325. You know who's ~325? BJ fucking Raji. And he's listed at 6'2''. Shaq ain't Raji-fat. But he's a foot taller. Gotta be at least 375-400lbs.
If you could sit in either of these seats, all game variables being known, what would you choose?
Friday Morning Coffee
Keeping the United Nations girls coming. Sarah, an Irani-Mexican, hopes you have a great weekend.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
You know that show Glee?
Of course you do. So at the risk of being ridiculed for being a flamer, I am going to write about my experience with Glee. GOOD LORD. Happy fucking Valentine's Day I guess. Look at this Blexican girl! Naughty Nurse outfit? Fuck-me-to-Friday eyes? Erection. And after some light Wikipediaing, I found that this girl is black, German, and Mexican. That's like the United Nations of Hot and she's on the Special Tribunal of Sex. She also has a brother that plays O-Line for U of Tennessee. I'm not sure if Glee needs any help in this department but they just got themselves another 18-25 viewer. I've only seen this show like 2 times. I just thought it was another high school musical 1/2/3 with older kids and more sex and teenage plight. Both viewing experiences have been....how do I say this nicely...shitty. But APPARENTLY I overlooked the ridiculous attractiveness of these teeny boppers.
Like there's some cheerleader slut that could pass for a pornstar. And she was pregs at some point? And then there's obviously that Jewish/Italian lookin girl that sang at the Super Bowl who's kinda borderline for me. And even that awkward heavy-breathing, space cadet cheerleader with the bangs that fucks the cripple is sneaky hot. When's the next episode? Seriously. I need more.
I got a lot of questions about this show now. Like is that kid in the wheelchair real-life handicapped? More importantly, where do they find these girls? Or out of all the guys, who is actually straight? And then that openly gay kid that recently transferred..is he gay in real life too? If not, he deserves an Academy Award for that performance. Killed it.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Kim Kardashian and CGI Asses
That being said, how the fuck did you get involved with Kris Humphries? I'm sure all of our lady readers have been introduced to Kris Humphires through People.com and all that shit. But do you understand how small time this dude is? And how not small time Kim is? Dude was drafted in '04 and has been on 4 NBA teams since. And he plays for the New Jersey Nets. And is from Minnesota. And is KILLING Brook Lopez's rebound numbers this year with his douchey hustle and effort. Which is, in turn, destroying my fantasy team. 'DEERRR I DO THE INTANGIBLES. DERRR MY EFFORT ISN'T REFLECTED IN THE BOXSCORE." Yeah, I watch Nets games when the Knicks aren't playing. Probably one of 7 in the Tri-State area that can say that. Ask anyone. I literally curse his name during games. "FUCK YOU, KRIS HUMPHRIES."
And now I come to find out that not only is he fuckin' with my fantasy stats, he's also plowing the sex tape All-Star herself, Kim Kardashian. How can you pull KK when you only average 8 points a game! Didn't she used to get with Reggie Bush and Miles Austin? And then she got taped "Doin' It" doggiestyle for the Love of Ray-J, right? Ha. Wasn't she married to Reggie or something? Those are big time names! Plus, he's a 6'9'' power forward and she's probably like, what?, 5'2''? That's ridiculous! Imagine the angles and geometry and shit of their sex life. Ok, you don't have to, but you gotta wonder how it all works. Kim could get seriously hurt. She probably has a getting-crushed/smothered fetish. Never understood the extra height difference appeal. Just looks like a fuckin' circus sideshow. So ladies...tell me...is Kris here really good looking or something? Above the call of duty in the bedroom, perhaps? Leave me a comment and help my little brain wrap itself around what Kim's Tempur-Pedic ass is thinking. I just don't understand how this happened.
Tuesday Morning Coffee
Wherever, whenever, INDEED. I know this is kinda old but I had to bring it to the masses one more time.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Movin' Like Berney
Movin' Like Berney? Is this real? Is this an actual dance? I know there are some stupid hip hop dances out there but come on Dirty South, have some self respect. I know we've all heard of the Dougie. I love me some Dougie. I Dougie in my fucking sleep. I put my arms out front and lean side to side with the best of 'em. You ain't fuckin' with MY Dougie. But this is terrible. I'd rather watch Ronnie dance/beat the beat up at Karma 9 days a week. Kinda wish I could do that. But shit when Jordy Nelson caught the game's first TD last night and I had him at 10 to 1, I was doing the mental Dougie as I was trying to seperate my friends hands from their wrists with violent high fives. Like if I had hit a small child with the force I high-fived my friends last night, there would be blood, bruises, and a trip to the hospital.
But the fuck is this Berney shit? It's like a cross between Thriller, dangerous seizures, and Nazi Zombies from COD: Black Ops. Flailin' all over the place. Gotta give it up for this kid, though. He doesn't take a single play off. His parents tell him to Berney? He jumps to it. Get in front of the chrome-rimmed purple Suburban and Berney? Done. Dominate the shit out of your friend in a Berney dance off? The kid jerks it hard and shits all over the kid while he does it.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
LeBron is a Magician
I dislike LeBron as much as anyone, but I hope you watched his performance in Orlando tonight. He hit his first 12 shots. 12-12 FG to start. He finished with 51 points, 11 boards, and 8 asssits. Ain't no thing. That's all well and great, but it further cements why Bill Simmons has changed my life and my outlook on the NBA. We've seen performances like this in the past, from LeBron especially. This was his 9th 50+ point game. We've seen Kobe score 40 points recently against the Celtics on Sunday. We've seen superstars light it up. But what the Lakers, Celtics, and Spurs have that the Heat do NOT is chemistry, continuity, and balance. Here's a quote from Bill Simmons' book:
"A team championship exposes the limits of self-reliance, selfishness and irresponsibility. One man alone can't make it happen; in fact, the contrary is true: a single man can prevent it from happening. The success of the group assures the success of the individual, but not the other way around."
LeBron and Wade have each recognized that they are NOT the elite team in the league. They concede that they have not been together very long. They concede that they don't know each other as well and need to play together as a unit to earn their postseason wins. A good way to do that would be playing a more balanced, team-brand of basketball against an playoff-bound Orlando team they will probably see in the 2nd round. We can all gawk at LeBron's individual numbers, sure. But a night after admitting they weren't at the level of the Celtics, LeBron showed the reason why.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The Boner Blog
Yes. This is a blog about boners. Im about 8 beers deep and I figured why the hell not. Boners. How fuckin weird is it that they're full of blood? Like you got this hard on and you're like 'OH YEA. IM HARD. LETS GET TOGETHER AND DO THE SEX.' I mean that's natural right? But that big meaty cock your're cradling is just full of nasty blood. Blood festers diseases. Things like AIDS. Girls really want that fucking blood bag shoved up inside of them?? No thanks!
In a rare spot, I am letting my friend Steve weigh in:
"Erections. Nature’s awkward turtle. Every guy can remember the days of sitting in 8th grade math class, getting called to board to write out your homework problem and realizing that you’ve got one hell of a chubby sitting down below. With all eyes on you, performing the bellybutton uptuck became one of those gifts that truly separated the men from the boys. It was a matter of natural selection, really. Either pull it off, slide that thing up into your belt and get up there acting like a G, or waddle up to the board weakly attempting to cover your baby-arm blaster with binders and textbooks. From the earliest days of puberty, fine upstanding gentlemen like myself have mastered the art of dealing with a boner.
It seems natural. Every middle-school aged boy learns how to deal with a boner. Some hide it, some embrace it. Ultimately, no blossoming young man can ignore it. It is one monster you cannot keep hidden under your bed pretending it doesn’t exist. Some of us go the way of masturbation. Whether you stole your Dad’s collection of late 80’s Penthouse’s or infected your family’s computer with hundreds of viruses while unknowingly shaming yourself through promiscuous search histories, we all managed to rid ourselves of our unsuspecting erectile assaults. Much to our dismay, our boners had a great deal of sticktuitiveness. They never seemed to go away for long. Masturbation would only keep the beast at bay for so long. Inevitably, if we were to survive this evolutionary process, we would eventually have to upgrade to utilizing actual women in the battle against erectile eradication.
This experience developed into an entirely new challenge, one that might be considered to be of equal difficulty. How exactly do you get a girl to give you a “good old fashioned” at 14 years old. The answer: Awkwardly. Let’s face it. Many of us have no idea how to woo women in our twenties. Why anyone thought we’d be able to do it at 14 is beyond me. If you’re like me, you tried everything from having your friends talk to girls for you to getting drunk off of two Coors Lights and presenting your piece like the 21 gun salute following a Patriot’s touchdown. Whatever your strategy, you (as I did) likely crashed and burned several times before getting it right. Thus is the essence of the adolescent boy’s struggle to manage his bone-piece."
I think if I were a girl I would prefer something else. Thank god I'm not a girl though. I have developed a beautiful relationship with my man part. I've been told it's big. I've been told it's pretty. I just call it mine. If I had to surrender my cock for a lady part that bleeds every 30 days? Eh. I don't know what I would do. Nothing like running into a bar bathroom, whipping out the hose and depositing the beer you just drank in the nearest urinal. Emergency style. I like to hold it with both hands. Interlocking thumbs. Kung-Fu grip style. Imagine prying my cock from my ice cold hands. I know you like it. But then again, it all depends on the forum. For example, if I am in the Boston Garden pissing with faggy Boston homers on either side of me that are obviously trying to see what the cock of a Connecticut boy looks like, I tuck the arms in, hide my dick, and piss like I've been there before. But thats how I hold it when I piss. How do you piss? I tuck the boxers under my balls and let it rain.
I love you readers.
-M
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