Celtics! Your girlfriends! WOOF.

You see the Celtics handle the Lakers yesterday? What a 4th quarter. One of the most impressive wins I've seen all season out of them all season. Mid-West Coast swing...coming off a SHIT performance in PHX...tough environment with those 'fearsome' Laker fans. How do the Celts respond? Well. You got Matt Damon sitting sideline with a Boston cap laughing at how nasty Pierce is. And you got Kevin 'Bin Laden' Garnett stiff-arming eager ball boys on their way to a dominating win.  This is why I did NOT put money on the Lakers to win it all. Not only did the payout suck in the beginning of the season (3 to 1?), but it's just hard to 3-peat. Kobe can't score 41 if the Lakers are going to win a title. He needs 32 or less..needs to facilitate..and Gasol/Bynum/Odom can't be invisible...as they have been this week.

 But holy shit these Celts got some scary wives/girlfriends. For guys making millions, you think they'd be able to pull something better than this! I mean Kendrick is no stud. And Pierce looks like a turtle. And big baby looks like Shrek. And is probably a little light in the loafers. But come on! Here's your 'starting 5':

Nate Robinson:



Glen Davis:

Paul Pierce:

(nice suit man. No seriously. I like it. IIIII wouldn't wear it. But it's you for sure)

Rajon Rondo:

Kendrick Perkins:

Boys. Boys. Boys. You're doing it ALL wrong. When you're a famous hot-shot athlete you don't smash the groupies! You grab a girl that's top notch! These boys are doin' it right.

Kobe Bryant

Colt McCoy

Dwyane Wade

my main man, Kevin Love. I love you dog.

Andy Roddick

Nick Swisher

Lord Derek Jeter. Deserves another one

Tiger Wo..oops

That's how you win championships.

Toddler Terrorists

So I'm getting my hair cut the other day and this little 3 year old kid is terrorizing the whole place and everyone in it.  This little kid is about 3 years old but he is a full grown fucker. Kids got Osh Kosh B'Gosh over-alls on or whatever the hell you call em and a tshirt that said "I'M A ROCK STAR" on it. Yeah, you are kid. I'm not going to give you a play by play of everything he did...but here's an abridged list:

• Kicked a 10ish year old kid in the balls. I'm not lying. I could end the post here but he was just getting started.
• Told his dad that if he didn't give him a piece of gum he would slap him in the face.
• Pretended to hold a rifle in his hand and shoot people and cars on the street while yelling "PPEEWWWWWW!!! PEEWWWWWW!!!".
• After eliminating that threat, he turned on the people sitting and waiting to get their haircut
• And the staff.
• Stole the water squirter device off the counter and sprayed his father in the back of the head.
• Then the barber.
• Then himself, in the face.
• Flopped around like a dead fish on the waiting room chairs.
• SCREAMED
• Decided to attempt some form of break dancing on the waiting room floor.
• Promptly broke a bottle of shampoo/conditioner.
• When the barber was fed up, he gave him a comb to play with. Child promptly threw the comb across the room.

Get the belt. Get the fucking belt. Seriously, parents. How do you tolerate this? How do you ALLOW this? Whip your belt off right there in the store and lash the SHIT outta this ungrateful little demon seed. I want to see marks. On second thought, keep it on the torso. Don't want the teachers asking questions on Monday. You wanna be loud and make a scene kid? Ok we're fucking leaving and your going to sleep. I don't give a fuck if it's 2pm you whiny piece of shit. You wanna break things? You go to sleep hungry. Like dangerously hungry. You wanna disrespect me and others in public? There will be swift and painful repercussions. How often do you see kids like this in public? A lot? I asked my mother today if I ever had outbursts/tantrums in public. She said I NEVER did that shit. You know why? Because my parents weren't retarded. They raised me right and didn't spoil me. Sure we were comfortable but they didnt buy mer the candy bar at the register just cause I asked for it. In the words of my father: "It wasn't a democracy. It was a freakin dictatorship (Pete doesn't swear). You want a 3 year old running YOUR life and making decisions? No. You control the child. Don't give them a choice. It's not 'Where do you wanna go Matty? McDonalds or Wendy's?'. It's 'we're going to Mickey's and you'll be thankful'.

PREACH. PREACH TO ME. No truer words have ever been spoken. Ok so my rents didnt break out the belt when I was younger. But they didn't have to because they got to me early, didn't give me anything, didn't have to bribe me to be good, didn't indulge me when I whined for shit, and told me what was going to happen. Parents need to get with it before their little devils grow up to be terrorists and axe murderers. I've said before that my kids are going to be model children. They will be smart. They will be respectful. They will be supremely attractice. They will be athletic. Not because I am particularly athletic, but because they will be running windsprints as soon as they can lace up their Nike's. They will dominate everyone in Little League because we're hittin' the cages every Sunday. They will say please and thank you. They won't be pussies. They won't be whiny. They will be perfect specimens. It's just unacceptable any other way. Quality of life is so much higher when you aren't chasing your little pieces of shit around all the time. How often do you see people in public that have badly behaved kids and just look flustered and embarrassed and ashamed? That sure as HELL will not be me.

So I think that if you raise children and don't keep them in line, you're doing something wrong. It's your fault. Break out the belt and show 'em how this dictatorship works.

Inaugural Morning Coffee: Toy Story Vajayjay

Since I know work sucks and is fun for no one, I want to give back. I want to be there for you in the morning when you need a shoulder to cry on. A slap on the ass. A pick me up. A shot of coffee. I want to be that guy. So every morning to get your work day, I'll give you something ridiculous, funny, sexy as shit, or flat out awesome to look at. And that will get you through your day.  And you can add your own caption to it, as I will. Best caption/comment gets a prize. Happy Monday everyone.

I bet those zipper teeth feel amazing.

Love Stinks

ESPN - The Minnesota Timberwolves hope that the key to the Western Conference coaches' All-Star vote is through their noses.

Introducing "Numb#rs," the new fragrance by Kevin Love.

On the same day the NBA announced the starters for the All-Star Game next month, the Wolves' public relations department unveiled its campaign to convince the coaches to vote their star into the game as a reserve. A box was mailed to all Western Conference coaches that includes a bottle of "Numb#rs" cologne, a DVD with a 30-second commercial for the product that spoofs an ultra-serious fragrance ad, an advertisement that includes Love and a local model dressed to the nines and a list of his accomplishments on the back, and a bottle of face lotion just for good measure.

If you know me well, you would know that Kevin Love is my favorite basketball player this year. He's the Great White Hope (how fucking hilarious is that nickname. They call him that in Minny). Last year it was David Lee. I go from white guy to white guy. Keeps me sexually satisfied. Not only does he post historical numbers, play hard every night on my fantasy team, and have a smokeshow girlfriend......he's also pretty fuckin hilarious. To get him, I trade-raped a fellow fantasy owner by giving away Brandon Roy (now out indefinitely with yet ANOTHER knee injury) for Kevin Love, straight up. Yea, pretty fucking stupid I know. To be fair, KLove was only averaging like 22 minutes off the bench at the time and Roy was a starting SG in Portland. Yea, no it was pretty fuckin' stupid. Can't really justify that. Sorry Ror.

Well since then I've taken a liking to this man. I follow him on Twitter. I read his GQ blog. I have considered donating to his "Coats" campaign but didn't because I know the homeless are just gonna sell them for drugs and booze. He's also a really good interview. Heard him on Bill Simmons radio show and he's fun to listen to. Especially when he talks about Michael Beasley's cracked-out antics.

We've seen teams release All-Star reservce campaigns for their guys in the past. We've even seen players put out some pretty awesome YouTube videos. Remember the crazy Chris Bosh Car Salesman commercial? Eh, maybe not. But this one by the TWolves is unique. Very K-Love. Boy loves his scarf. Wears it in all his short movies. Best part? The bottle of lotion. Bet that smells fuckin great. Also, Dr. Love here says that the cologne smells like "good smelling sweat". Oh?

Honestly if he isn't selected by the coaches it will be the biggest All Star snub of all time. Remember that 31 pt 31 reb game? Know who else has done that in the NBA since 1975? Kareem, Moses Malone, Robert Parrish, and Swen Nater. That's it. And if he finishes the season shooting 45% from 3, which he is, he'll be the first person to do that. EVER. Look for his name to be announcd on Thursday.

This CPR instructional video will save your life

BRAVO! BRAVO! The American Heart Association came to PLAY in 2011! DOWN with heart attacks. DOWN with choking on shit. DOWN with heart disease! You see how well that girl checked for danger? And then as she realized something was wrong, she blew two breaths for one second each like a fuckin' pro. The most important thing about CPR is acting like you've been there before. Otherwise everyone just freaks the fuck out. Those chest cimpressions were flawless too. I remember when I took a CPR course. It was just swapping spit with parapalegic half mannequins with no head (munis a mouth) for like 2 hours. And the instructers were both 50+ lesbians. They should get these fine girls to teach go on a nationwide tour to spread the CPR word.

What? What's that you say? This is a lingerie commercial? Is that right? Coulda fooled me. I found it to be pretty fuckin informative. Oh, and there's a sequel.

Poop-ocalypse

So it was a long Monday at work full of frustration and endless Federal bullshit. It was early December. So whats the FIRST thing you want to do after a day that sucked and a lunch of Sloppy Joes and Mac 'N Cheese?

Take a shit! Obviously.

So I got back to my luxurious room at the Towneplace (with an E) Suites in Lombard, IL. Keep in mind Towneplace is the lowest of the lowest Marriott franchise. I am retarded for choosing this hotel because I could have stayed at the Marriott Suites on the government's dime..which I have seen..and are ballin. This place doesnt even have a lobby.

SO. I get back to my cave dungeon bondage cage of a 'suite' and literally say out loud, "Its time to drop deuces." You talk to urself a lot when u live alone. SO I rip down the pants and 7 Blue Moon seasonal brewshakes, a Sloppy Joe and crusty homestyle macnchee falls out.

This is a 20-wiper. Like I go. Didnt even whip. Flushed it on its own. Wiped like 6 times. Flushed. Wiped like 8 times. Flushed. Wiped 5 more times. I know thats not 20 wipes..but im a federal employee and as we say at FEMA...good enough for Government work.

So the first 3 flushes go on w/o a hitch. Final flush is a different story. TP and shit start to rise up from below. The water rises...the flushing isnt stopping...Wheres the plunger? WHY IS THERE NO PLUNGER!?!?!...

The toilet starts overflowing like Niagara Falls. Within 30 seconds the floor in my bathroom has been filled with water. Oh shit. I call the front desk..."My toilet is overflowing and we have an emergency situation." The girl at the front desk who I have come to know personally goes, "Oh no, what did you do!" "I dont know, but get someone up here quick..its gonna get in the room."

I wasnt lying. Within less than 2 minutes the water has risen high enough to leak out from under the closed door, over the rubber stopper, and onto the carpeted fron entrance. Shit. Literally. On the floor. I hustle to move shit out of the wake of this encroaching shit tsunami. FEMA disaster flooding, indeed. CLothes are outta the closet, everthing is on the bed, off the floor. WHERE IS FUCKING HOUSEKEEPING. The water has risen so high now that a trickle of dirty water is rolling across the carpet and soaking it thru. It makes it into my kitchen hardwood floor area and begins to fill up my little kitchen area cutout.

Knock at the door. Its Pepe Mexicano, the local housekeeping talent. Doesnt speak a word of English but manages to say "Oh no" when he sees my masterpiece. I get a call from the desk as he is wet-vacing the almost 2 inches of shitwater off the bathroom floor. I get a call from the desk saying theyre moving me down the hall from 309 to 316. Ok.
So I got to the desk and joke that i was flushing towels to test the strength of the toilet...when we all know it was a monstershit. One word.

So Mr. Mexicano is doin his thing...Im moving ALL of my belongings and food and things down the hall. I wash my hands. I'm hungry. So I make dinner....

Hamburgers for dinner! I deserve something tasty for dinner after all that right? Fuckin' right. So I do two burgers on the stovetop. Fryin' that shit up. Thank god all that is over. Just about to pour a glass of shitty wine when... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. BEEEEEEEEEEEP. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. No. BEEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEP. I have set off the fire alarm. There wasnt even that much smoke! 10 seconds later the phone rings. Its my desk friend. "are you cooking something?" "Im trying to" "OK. We'll send someone up." Because I obviously cant cook for myself.

Knock at the door. GUESS WHO!! PEPE!!!!! "you, again?" he says. Glad that I can teach him new english words. "Stop fucking up you douchecock" is next on the list. So he opens my windows all the way up and takes out the screens to get some air in this bitch. He goes 'ill be back in 5' or something to that effect and I go "hey why dont u just stay. Im havin such a great night Im sure ill need u for something else." SO I offer him a beer and we watch the first few mins of the BUlls-Thundo game.

So I checked out the next day and told them I would be back on Friday. I am sure they will calling the haz-mat team upon my arrival. I AM UNFIT TO FUNCTION IN THIS ADULT WORLD. Between the Mississhitty River flooding I had in 309 and the outdoor BBQ I decided to have indoors in 316..Im taking the Town(e)place Suites down one shitty room at a time.

THEEEEEEEEEEE END

Pops needs to get with the fucking program

So momma came in this morning to wake my ass up at 8am. That might sound normal to a lot of you 9 to 5ers and people that go to school, but I'm on fucking vacation. You know that last time I was up before 8am? Minimum 5 weeks. I usually like to skip the morning and defer to the afternoon when it comes to waking up. Why did she wake me up so early? Surprise! Snow storm. Another foot, give or take. At this point who's honestly counting. Natinoal Weather Service probs.  This is what my driveway looked like. 'We did so much!' my parents said. We have probably had about 50 inches of snow this year I'd say? You know who gets 50 inches annually? Fucking upper Peninsula Michigan. Not CT. This is the craziest winter weather-wise I have experienced in my 17 years in CT. 1996 was close. But not like this. Snow is up to my windows.

Well after all this snow, my family still hasn't figured it out.  We shovel our driveway, by hand. We have NOT gotten a plow guy to come down and help us. Oh and our snowblower is broken. OH and my driveway is over 100 feet long. And is a loop. 'I haven't paid for a plow guy since we lived in Rochester, and I'm not about to do it now.' Yo, pops. First of all you sound like an old man. And second of all, my back is fucked up forever now pretty much. Im bleeding from my knees because I keep falling because we do such a shitty job when we shovel that the driveway is iced over. And my balls are cold. I was in LA when that 27incher slammed us and my mom and dad did the whole driveway...BY THEMSELVES... and then sent my pcitures of there work in an email with the caption 'WOOOOO!!! LOOK WHAT WE DID" attached to it. Like they were proud they spend 6 hours shoveling.

I mean, I guess there's something impressive about that. I've done so much shoveling this winter that I have developed new shoveling strategies. Like when I'm shoveling, I do 30 consecutive shovels before I take a breather. I literally count outloud. Makes me annoying as FUCK to work with though. That seems to be the number that I need to break at in order feel gassed. And it helps you get shit done. Or my new favorite, the backhand grip. Our shovels suck, which makes the process even more painful. So to give my arms a break I hold the handle with my left hand and hold my right hand down lower with the thumb pointed toward the handle. Try that shit.

2011 NBA All Star Game Western Conference Reserves

The way I see it, there area bout 14 or 15 deserving players for 12 spots. Someone ridiculously deserving (one or both of the gentlemen shown above, most likely) will be left off the roster. The guard depth in the West is incredible. And I think for the first time in many years, you won't see guys like Chauncey Billups or JKidd, but a new wave of young superstar point guards.

Here are the picks for your 2011 Western Conference Reserves:

G - Deron Williams
G - Russell Westbrook
G - Manu Ginobili
G - Steve Nash
F - Dirk Nowitzki
F - Blake Griffin or KLove
F/C - Tim Duncan

Deron Williams. Made his first All Star appearance last year mostly because of his scoring/assist ability and the pick n roll game he ran with Carlos Boozer. Now that Boozer is gone, he is depeded on to lead the team that much more. Though they have lost 6 straight, 5 of those 6 on the road, Deron has his team in 7th place in the West.

Russell Westbrook. At some points in the season, it was hard to tell who was the best player on the Oklahoma City Thunder club. Westbrook was putting up LeBron-in-Cleveland numbers and approaching triple-doubles night after night. The former UCLA Bruin was unrecruited out of high school, led his team to the National Championship game, and is now leading a young Thunder team through a tough West.

Manu Ginobili. I fucking hate Manu Ginobili. I watched him and the Spurs play the Jazz last night and he flops more than a soccer player. Seriously some of the blocking fouls they called on Jazz guards were just him extending an elbow and falling backwards. Blantantly offensive fouls. That being said, his team has the leagues best record and he is leading the team in scoring at 18.7 PPG.

Steve Nash. I know I said you would see new, young PGs in this game, but the alternative here is Monta Ellis. Monta is absurd. If you have never seen this Alabama boy play, you gotta. Probably has the best mid range game after Kobe and scores in unique ways. Plus the Warriors are a blast to watch and Monta is always on the break or getting steals. He's very Kemba-like

Dirk Nowitzki: Sure he missed 10 games but this Nazi is still a leading vote getter and perennial All Star. Had a slow start to the season, killed it for a while, got hurt, and is slow to get back. But is still having an All Star type season.

Kevin Love/Blake Griffin: Only one of these guys is going to make it. Coaches don't take players from teams with losing records. Especially not two. But these guys are having historic seasons. I think it will be Kevin Love OVER rookie Blake Griffin.

CASE FOR KLOVE:

It would be a travesty if he didnt make it. He is posting the best rebound numbers in 30 years and has a chance to average 20ppg and 15rpg for the first time since Moses Malone. The 30-30 game he posted back in November put him and his team on the map. I got a chance to see them play IN Minnesota this year and they've got to be the best 10-35 team I have ever seen. And he's an LA guy (went to UCLA). Plus he dates this girl. A former UCLA cheerleader/spirit squader. And has to put up with Minnesota weather. Get the boy back to LA, coaches.

Timmy Duncan: The Kevin Garnett pick of the West. Best player on the best team and despite diminshed minutes this season, he is still in the Top 10 in the NBA in rebounds and blocks. Impressive. He's also shooting 10% better from the FT line this year.

There you go! 2011 All Star Roster Complete! Look out for the starters announcement tonight on TNT during the Heat/Knicks Game.

Milwaukee is not as bad as it sounds

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.  It's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."

What do you think of when you think of when you think of Milwaukee which is in Wisconsin you ignorant fucks. Beer? Check. Germans? Check. Cheese and other dairy products. Chyaaa. The Brewers? Yup. No, I didn't go there because someone died. I was out in Milwaukee back in October visiting my girlfriend and got to experience all of those things, plus more. I got to go on a tour of Miller Brewery, which was awesome. And FREE. Like did you know that Miller and Coors joined up recently and are now MillerCoors? Bet you didn't. I also got free samples of beer at the end and highly recommend Leinenkugel Oktoberfest....when it is fall again.  Don't get it today. Probably bad by now.

Sports are huge in this state, which is partially why I liked it so much.  The city has almost got like a college atmosphere to it.  Mostly because everyone works at the brewery and is drunk constantly. Wisconsin Badgers, Packosh, Brewers, and the Bucks. Wait no not that Bucks.  But those other 3 have college-like followings.  I got lucky and got to go to Miller Park, retractable roof and all. This place is as close to a minor league stadium as the MLB offers. I would usually call it gimmicky, but the fact that the city is so open about its beer consumption, I gotta give 'em credit for just keeping it real. First of all, the park sits within site of the huge Miller brewery, just in case you needed a reminder of what the deal was. They must pump the beer underground in a oil pipeline or something because I have never seen beer this cheap at a sporting event. 22 ounces. 22! For $5. You get about 16oz for $10 at Yankee Stadium. Brats? $4. Hot dog? Like $2.75. No wonder everyone in the stadium was a fat bastard! How could you not eat and drink yourself into oblivion daily? Shit, even their athletes are fat. Also, there is a piss-yellow waterslide out in left that masoct Bernie the Brewer slides down every time the Crew knocks a homer. I personally think he should land in a pool of beer and take a shot of PBR (formally brewed in Milwaukee) when he gets to the bottom.

Brewers fans tailgate like college football fans. Holy shit. Grills, tents, flags, tailgate games, food everywhere.  If I had known what the fuck was up, I would have gotten my ass there super early and taken advantage of the Midwesterners' generosity and hospitality like a good northeasterner should.  Also, Brewer park features a sausage race during the 7th inning with Brewers Girls dance to polka music. If you don't know, now you now. I checked, and unfortunately you cannot place nightly wagers of who will win. Cuz personally i'd put a dime on the Italian sausage to win every night. Dude brings it every night.

Milwaukee is kinda caught in the day of people not giving a shit. Like it's OK to let yourself go and eat bad food and drink heavy beer. Atkins diet? No. Brats covered in grease and cheese. And potatoes. With cheese on 'em. They wear those cheeseheads for a reason. Speaking of cheese, if you get a chance, get yourself a bag of cheese curds at a cheese market downtown. They're so fresh that they squeak when you bite 'em. There's a sexual innuendo there somewhere.

Univeristy of Wisconsin-Madison is only a few hours away.  And while I didn't visit, it sounds like a fun place to go. Huge party school. Ranked #3 by Playboy a few years back. And I trust them a lot. Plus Milwaukee is the 38th leagest media market..bigger than Indy, OKC, and NO, which means there's theoretically a lot going on.

Watch Wayne's World. They go see Alice Cooper in Milwaukee. Filmed on site.  The down town area has amazing architecture. It's a cool historical city. The Third Ward is a place with lots of bars and restuarants and I was there during a weekend of a home Badgers, Notre Dame, and Packers game. The bars are a great place to go for those. Plus Al Capone and 'beer tycoon' Fredrick Pabst lived there. American Idol was on the other day and they were holding auditions in the Milwaukee Museum of Art.  The building that looks like an big white airplane on the edge of Lake Michigan. Not only are the exhibits pretty significant, but the building fucking MOVES.

Overall, I was impressed by Milwaukee's ability to function. How do you not drink ALL the time. Like apparently people actually held jobs and stuff. Plus, it's the second coldest major city in America, after Minneapolis. But during the summer its pretty much all tailgating, binge drinking, music festivals, and parties. Visit.

Brooke Burke: Wife Material

Stats:
Born: September 8th, 1971. MOTHER FUCKING HARTFORD, CT
Height: 5'5''
Intangibles: World's Sexiest Jewish French/Irish/Portuguese woman
Fun Fact: Did Playboy. Meaning she has questionable morals and I have a chance.


Well good fucking morning to you readers! BOOM. Brooke Burke all up in yo computer screen! The Giada segment got a lot of people reading so I decided to make 'Wife Material' a regular bit.  Sex sells they say. That's why I am considering posting a picture of myself on the top of the blog.

They always used to say that JLo was the ultimate/original triple threat.  She danced, sang, tried to act, but her cottage cheese ass got in the way. Latinas age poorly. Sure, sure,it was all very impressive you door-floating illegal. Burke here models, dances, hosts DWTS, AND acts. Oh, but it doesn't stop there. Recently added to her list of acomplishments is BaboostBaby.com, a site that sells wraps and oils to gross preggers women and blogs about her unfortunate encounters with them. Oh god that is so hot. Wait. Wraps? Like the UConn Grab-N-Go? Like yeaaa I'm carrying twins and eat pickles and ice cream together like a rabid Cookie Monster. C-Section C-Section C-Section starts with C. On top of that I've gained like 55 pounds and I'm bloated as shit but hit me with a Chicken Bacon Chipotle wrap on wheat with no tomatoes, double sauce. And I wanna wait 8-12 weeks, preferably. Thanks for your inspring work and words of encouragment, Brooke.

Upon further review of the site that offers wraps to pregnant women even though I am a not-pregnant man, Brooke proved she actually knows her shit.  But then I hit a speed bump when I heard her 3rd kids name was Rain. Like the weather. Crazy stunts like that get you punted off the Wife Material wagon by your ass. Can't win with a woman like that. Can't coach with 'em. Can't win with 'em. Can't do it. But then I saw Brooke here has a net worth of around $10 mil and is CEO of Modern Mom.  So I guess she takes her pregnancy (gross) advice pretty serious.  And she can support my drinking/gambling habits. Put a ring on it.

But then I looked at her Wiki page and GoogleImages (which is the most fun you can have on the Internet with your pants on) and saw some really strong intangibles. Like this girl lived in my home state. Not for long. But how many celebrities that look like  ^that do you know that truly know how shitty and shameful a captial city Hartford is? Oh and she's a Jew. Typical CT'er. Now some people don't like Jews. Most of them were brought up on war crimes post-WWII and burned in hell for all enternityamen. I love me some Jew though. And off the top of my head I can only think of one other Jew that speaks to me like Brooke here.  Funny thing is I always thought BB was Korean or something. Kinda has the eye thing goin' on. Plus, she went to UCLA which is approx 569% asian. So it would make sense.

So while we did hit a few crazy-person snags with Brooke here (which can probably be attributed to her California upbringing), she still brings a lot to the table. Mainly money and looks. And has pulled herself back together in a way that few others can after a pregnancy and is a pregg-pro. Which means she won't get all moody and sweaty when we do that baby thing and then will get it tight only a few weeks after she pops it out. If that's not wife material I don't know what is.

2011 NBA All Star Game - Western Conference Starters

It's all pretty straight forward here, minus the center spot.  This is always a strange spot for the conference because 1 billion brainwashed Chinese Communists pledge blind obedience to Yao Ming. Again, this lineup is not what I think should happen, or even who is most deserving.  it is the roster as I believe it will be announced tomorrow, on TNT.  Here are your 2011 NBA All Star Western Conference Starters:

G - Chris Paul
G - Kobe Bryant
F - Kevin Durant
F - Carmelo Anthony
C - Pau Gasol (for Yao Ming)


Chris Paul. He might not be as flashy as Deron Williams, Steve Nash, or Russell Westbrook, but really is having a fantastic season. Sure his PPG are the lowest since his sophomore season, but his 3PT% and FT% are the highest of his career.  His steals + assist numbers are Rondo-good or better and he is the face of the current 5-seed in a always competitive West.  He has his team on a 9 game win streak, a 30-16 record, a better record than DWill's Utah Jazz, Denver, and Portland.  He has also been an All-Star every year since 2008 and, unfortunately, starting voting is often determined by one's reputation. Chris Paul is that guy.

Kobe. Yes. Obviously. Best player in the conference. Game is in his city, his arena. Even if that wasn't the case, he will be the leading vote getter...by 100s of thousands of votes. He's the best player on the two-time defending champs and, even though I have money on a futures bet that the Spurs will win it all, I still think that Lakeshow should be the odds on favorite (in fact, the Heat are currently favored. Kinda bullshit.)

Durant. Last year's scoring leader was the consensus number 1 fantasy pick this year and many people's choice as a pre-season MVP. Even though he is leading the league in scoring this year, he probably won't be MVP, but he has catapulted himself into the national spotlight.  it's a popular thing for ESPN to say 'nobody's overlooking the Thunder this year.' Well, neither are the fan voters. He is also a shit load of fun to follow on Facebook. And he and TWolves Forward Michael Beasley were great childhood friends.  This is all about intangibles.  Gets the fans voting.

Carmelo. Interesting story here.  If he had been (or is) traded to the Eastern Conference before Thursday, his votes would have carried over with him to his new team and he would, in all likelyhood, NOT have been a starter.  Averaging 24PPG and 8RPG. Is also one of the league's premiere players and scorers. Perfect All Star game player.

Pau Gasol. Staples Center. Two time world champion. When you look at the other center options in the West (Nene, Bynum, Marc Gasol, Okafor) no one is really All Star worthy.  Although the NBA lists Pau Gasol as a forward on the All-Star ballot, he was selected as a reserve center by the head coaches last year...so I fully expect that to happen again.

Ok, no more sports for a while.  More fun shit tomorrow I promise. I'm watching the Social Network and the soundtrack is go fucking loud I can't understand what anyone is saying. Pretty annoying shit. And the Mark Zuckerburg actoris a smug piece of shit.

Tomorrow: Western Conference Reserves

2011 NBA All Star Games - Eastern Conference Reserves

Tough, tough, tough.  Lots of former Eastern Conference All Stars having tough statisticular seasons or injured problems. Joe Johnson had a terrible shooting month in November, missed 9 games, and then bounced back.  Carlos Boozer's season didn't start until December 1st, but is averaging 20 and 10. Bosh has struggled at times. Gerald Wallace has been up and down. KG has missed time.  There are very few locks this year.  But this is what you'll see on the side of the Eastern Conference Reserves:

G - Rajon Rondo
G - Raymond Felton
G - Ray Allen
G/F - Paul Pierce
F - Kevin Garnett
F - Chris Bosh
C - Al Horford

I understand there are lots of Celtics on this list. Ok fine its everyone minus Shaq.  But you can't argue Rondo.  Other than die-hard Celts fans, people tune in to watch the Celtics because of the emergence of his game. Sorry Boston, most of our fine country actually thinks your team is boring. Not me. Noooo. no.....

Felton has really kinda sucked dick in January (shot 36%) and had a stretch of games where he failed to reach double digit points. Trust me, he's on my fantasy team. But that's ok.  Amar'e and the Knicks are where they are because of his elevated play, even if his post-Xmas play has been shit.  Remember when the Knicks missed on Bron, Wade, Bosh, JJ, and all the other big FAs, didn't draft Curry or Jennings, and caught all that shit?  Yea, they signed Felton for cheap and are doing just fine, ya fucking pundits. 

Paul Pierce is the top scorer on the best team and is a perennial All Star.  He's also having his most efficient season, in you can believe that, at 19.0 ppg, 51% FG, 41% 3FG, 86% FT. And Doc Rivers is coaching this team. So not only is he deserving, but it's like having your dad coach your Little League team.  Means you always start and even get to pitch and hit cleanup. Plus, as my friend Steve always says, if you can survive getting stabbed 11 times in the face, neck, and back, you can do anything. He literally always says that.

Ray Allen is also deserving. I know I am starting to sound like a Boston homer here, but he is averaging 18ppg, even though his minutes and role in the offensive are down, and has a real chance at a 50-50-90 season (50% FG, 50% 3PT, 90% FT). Plus the other option is Joe Johnson and how fucking boring is he.  I want a Ray 3 to win the game. Cuz you know Doc is gonna have him in there if it comes down to it. Which it won't cuz its the fucking All Star Game.

Kevin Garnett. Despite missing a 'few' games with a knee injury, he's still the best player on the best team.  This would be his 14th All Star selection. Kinda makes him the veteran of veterans. I think, as long as he is healthy, he should be an All-Star every year until he retires.  Plus, the Doc thing.

Bosh. The Big 3 were called the Two and a Half Men earlier in the year. Ouch. I also heard probably the most homosexual thing I have ever heard the other day.  That the jersey numbers of the Big 3 mean something. Bosh: #1 goal, Wade: #3 players, LeBron: #6 rings. GAG ME. Still averaging 18 and 8. And since Noah and Boozer, who would be his competition in this spot, kinda cancel each other out with their injury problems, Bosh is the pick.  And even though normal people hate the Heat, fan voting has him ranked above Granger, Josh Smith, Boozer, and other Eastern forwards.  Guess they don't hate em that much.

Horford. His team is shockingly tied with Orlando for 4th in the Conference, even though they really do suck. He is the most consistent player on ATL averaging 16 and 9 at an impressive 56% FG.  He gets over the nod over Bogut and his blocks because, well, Australians can't actually play basketball.


There you have it.  Your 2011 Eastern Conference All Star Roster.  Got a problem with anything on this list? Say something. We can have a heated Internet argument that will end in me winning.

Later today: Western Conference All Star Starters

Should I have bought this Knicks warm-up jacket?

Retail: $95
Listed as: $55

So I was crusing wat is possibly the most unorganized, frustrating store in my town.. TJ Maxx.  Place looks like a dimly lit bomb shelther and I get the feeling that when I step in the bathroom the rats had just been pissing on the floor and vomiting on the sink handles just a second earlier and had managed to scurry away without me seeing 'em.

Now usually this place has like XXXL polo shirts and a lotta FUBU and Southpole.  Also a lot of those t-shirts with shiny, hologram dragons and skulls on them that just beg you to kick the ass of the person wearing them.  Like you have a mythical creature on your sleeve, back and left man tit.  And you look like a jogger at night wearing a reflective vest.  Can someone explain the appeal of these shirts to me? My elementary school mascot was a dragon.  Dwight the Dragon. And it's like 9 out of 10 Dwight was a flamer.  Didnt realize it at the time, but looking back? Yea. Fire-breathin flamer.

So instead of all that shit I stumbled across THIS gem.  Retro-style Knicks warm-up jersey. 

Pros:

• It would match my awesome David Lee jersey.
• I would only need a pair of Knicks warmup pants to look the part and sit next to Timofey Mozgov at the end of the bench
• It is warm and the weather is cold.
• It has pockets

Cons:

• Warmup jackets with teams on em aren't exactly in right now.  Last such type jacket I wore was a Colorado Rockies Starter jacket circa 1996.
• It is inexpesnive
• It is a kids medium.

So I shoulda gotten it right? Why not?  Comment down below and I'll decide whether to go back and get it.

2011 NBA All Star Game - Eastern Conference

Note: If you can't name everyone in this picture, this blog may not be for you. Ok Shareef Abdul-Rahim is pretty tough. Ill give it to you.

The 60^th NBA All-Star Game will be played at the Los Angeles Staples Center (yeah, I been there) on Sunday, Feb. 20, 2011.  Voting closed on January 23rd, and the starters will be announced Thursday Jan. 27th on TNT.  I'm not 100% sure but I think that the reserves will be selected by the leauge's coaches the next day.  These projections are not necessarily what I WANT to happen, or think SHOULD happen, but it is what I think will happen.

Here is an early look at who I think will be representing the Eastern Conference starters.

Starters:
G - Derrick Rose
G - Dwyane Wade
F - LeBron James
F - Amar'e Stoudemire
C - Dwight Howard

Pretty straight forward here.  KG is always in the running for starting forward just because of fan name recognition (which is a problem every year and will be in the West again, this year.)  Amar'e is clearly the better player this season and has been the last few seasons.  He has done enough in the first half of the season to get enough votes to start.  His team is relevent and he's an exciting fan-favorite and is probable going to finish in the top 3 in MVP voting this year.

You could also make a case for Rajon Rondo as a starter (10 ppg, 13 apg, 2nd in the league in steals).  Much of that production came early in the season, however, and he has only appeared in 32 of his teams 44 games.  That's a quarter of the season missed so far.  The nod has to be given to Derrick Rose who is my MVP right now averaging 25/4/8 and leading his team thru injuries to big men Boozer and Noah.  He has them as a 3-seed in the East currently and I would not be surprised to see them finish 2nd behind the Heat (ahead of the Celts as they are resting their veteran players down the stretch) this year. Bold prediction of the day right there.

Fan-favorite Dwight Howard will be the leading vote getter in the conference.  His annoying Superman antics and clear emergence as the elite Eastern center will have him at starting center for the next 12 years....assuming he resigns with the Magic after his 5-year $80 million dollar contract expires after next season.

Tomorrow:
Eastern Conference Reserves

In 'N Out is the best FF Chain in the Country

Look at that. Look. Some people think Five Guys is good. Some people like Mickey Deeznuts. They obviously haven't tried a Double-Double from In 'N Out Burger.  I just ate dinner and just LOOKING at this fucker is making me hungry again.

There are a few things that I love about this place. First is the food.  Its delicious, high quality, cheesy and all of those other positive adjectives you would use to describe food that you enjoy. The second are the prices.  A Hamburger is $1.60. A Cheeseburger is $1.85. A Double-Double (double meat double cheese) is $2.25. And a BIG helping of fries is $1. No combo meals. No dollar menu. No bullshit.  And there's no surprises here.  Standard beef patties, American cheese, L, T, Spread (which is thousand island dressing and a little relish) and the choice of onion.

What they dont tell ya about, however, is the Secret Menu.  Like its an exclusive club that you have to know about.  If you don't know it, you miss out on all types of shit.  So if you've never been, make sure you go with someone who has and knows the code. There are actually more 'secret' items than standard items.  Wanna fuckin' know what they are? Well since you asked so nicely...

Animal style:



Sounds like a sexual position I would like to try.  Animal style is a mustard-cooked beef patty with additional pickles, cheese, spread and grilled onion diced up and mixed together on the grill before getting dumped on your burger. You can get any burger done Animal Style as well as yo fries.  Gonna need a few handfuls of napkins (that apparently have bible passages hidden on them? Fucking Californians). Worth it.

Protein Style:



Protein Style. For our health-conscious readers.  And the ladies. Hey. How are ya?  This is your standard dub-dub burger with L, T, onion but no carb-laiden bun.  Its wrapped in two slices of lettuce. Oh, sounds refreshing.  Ladies, you're lookin good. Eat your carbs.  This all got me all curious about what ELSE was on the secret menu.  Two words for you:



FLYING DUTCHMAN

Look at this thing.  No bun, no veggies.  Meat and cheese only.  That's man shit right there.  Its like dog food. The ultimate portable snack. Like if you aren't satisfied with the current state of your bowel movements, this is a pretty good way to change it up really quickly.  It's like the original KFC Double Down. 

Sadly, In N Out has not sold out and gone national.  They keep all of their franchises out west, which is probably what allows them to keep everything real tasty and not frozen tasting.  There are 201 in Cali and 54 in Utah, Nevada, and Arizona combined.  If you ever make it out there, order a Flying Dutchman Animal style with extra onions and a Neopolitain Milkshake for me.

Jersey Shore takes it to the Homeland

Yes. That's Bar Refaeli eating Situation's Italian sub.

MTV – Yes yesss y’all — the rumors on TMZ are true. “Jersey Shore” will be shooting its fourth season in ITALY! According to an official hot-off-the-press release from our employer, the entire cast and crew of MTV’s wildly popular hit show will be trading in their shot-filled road trips to Seaside Heights for a sure-to-be mini-bottle laden plane ride to their homeland.

...The show is slated to film in Spring of 2011 and air later on this year.

Alright, ok, I get it.  They've done Jersey twice and Miami once and need a new locale to justify bringing this cast back for another season.  There's only so much stawkinmylifeonda Bowdwalk and Ronnie/Sammie squabble storylines the audeince can handle in Jersey.  Time to graduate to the big time.  Take it international.  And while you won't see it on the show, I don't think, the cast is going to get some serious shit for being such tools and bringing shame to Italian-Americans.  Other than an Italian flag tat, working at a gelato shop, and having a last name ending in a vowel, these kids don't seem to have much Italian in 'em (other than a Sunday family dinner, which is almost assuredly required as part of thier contracts) and are gonna be in for a serious cultural awakening.  Can't wait for them to try to stumble through Rome drunk and talk to locals in broken italian while butchering the names of national monuments.  Like Fill-et Mignin.

I'm not the biggest Jersey Shore fanatic you'll meet but I do watch.  I don't really discuss it with anyone though because I'm a grown man out of college and frankly it's embarrassing.  I watched a new episode last week in LA and I had to do everything in my power not to correct people when talking about the show.  Like "Oh, so Vinny is the one dating ShamWow right?" Or, "I know what D and T mean, but what is the F. Is it fight?" Uggghhhh. COME ON.  This shit is a cultural phenomenon. DTF, GTL, grenade. Remember when Bootylicious and D'oh were added to the dictionary? Well I do!  And that's where all this Jersey Shore vocab is headed.

Why I'm moving to LA, and you should too.

Been absent for a few days.  Sorry bout that.  I can tell all of my loyal readers/commenters are gettin anxious.  But I had good reason.  I was living it up in Southern California, drinking (free) beer, and betting football.  Living the dream, if you will. 15 days of it. I had to leave eventually because Giada took out a restraining order and yesterday was my court-ordered release from the state.  Got on the plane at LAX and it was 81 degrees.  Got off the plane in Hartford and it was 8.  Not only that but it was midnight.  And I was in a different time zone.  Body's ALL TYPES of fucked up right now.  As I met with friends and family while I was out there, it became increasingly clear to me that I will be living in Los Angeles within the next 2 years.  And so will you. Here's why:

1. Weather.  No shit.  See that picture above?  That was the view out my window for the last two weeks.  And on the other side of the house? Fucking Pacific Ocean.  Google Image search Pacific Palisades and that's pretty much what I was dealing with all week.  Sure the state is in a financial mess.  Sure sales tax is TEN PERCENT. And yea, everything is more expensive.  But if you can tell me you can look out the window right now anywhere in New England and say you're happy with your surroundings, your a dirty lying bastard.  And you know what I heard at least a dozen people say when I told them I was from CT? "Oh I used to live in _____, and I love it here, but I really miss the seasons".  Those are the worst kind of people.  You miss the seasons?  Did you know that the ceiling in my family room is leaking because there are 27 inches of snow on the roof and we have buckets to catch the dripping water?  Did you know that I can't leave my house today because there is too much snow on the driveway and even if I could I can't leave cuz these fucking buckets fill up every hour?  Yea, the fucking novelty of 'seasons' has kinda worn off after 20 years in CT. Seasons my ASS.

2. The time difference.  Seems kinda weird, right?  Well for me, and people like me, sports play a significant role in my life.  And I often find my evenings consumed by watching them.  A Tuesday night in CT can start AND end with NBA basketball.  But in LA, all sports start at 4pm on regular nights.  And instead of having to wait until 3:00 on Sunday to watch the Bears v. Packers, I only had to wake up, eat, pregame, and watch the game at noon from a barstool.  East Coast Sunday football starts at 1. LA football starts at 10am.  You get the fucking point.  So this helps impatient people like me function better.  AND my sports, some would call it, problem, is more socially acceptable because I can watch all the games and still go out that night.  Down side: if you work in the financial sector, like my wonderful cousin, you are on NYSE time...meaning work starts around 5:30 for you. Ow.

3. Lifestyle.  More specifically, alcoholics. Ok that's extreme.  But you probably thought I was gonna say Giada. Easy, killer.  She's number 4.  People are crazy in California.  There's really no other way to describe it.  Like if you've ever seen an episode of Weeds, that's not that far off of what's really goin on in LA.  Everyone's from somewhere else and has gone out of their way to leave the old lifestyle behind and lead an alternative, Californian existence.  That's fine.  I just don't think I'm going to be friends with you if you say 'Brah' or 'God Bless, man, God Bless' all the time.  We probs aren't gonna click.  But there are normal people there.  People that I like.  And there's plenty to do.  This was a typical weekday afternoon for me.  Wake up whenever. Eat. Walk through the Palisades/Santa Monica. Run an errand. Beer by or before 2pm. Sushi/In N' Out burger. Beer. Basketball. Go out to some bar for drinks with people that have been doin the same thing you have all day.  And that schedule was probably tame compared to what others do.  Met a dude he says he was a former NY banker and now is a musician (sounds much more lucrative), gets drunk daily, and makes it a point to walk down to the ocean everyday.  And while that's very damaging to your liver, it's also very California.

So as soon as my employer decides it's a good time to send Matthew out again, and I learn a little more scratch, it's up and move time. Anyone need a roommate? See you there.

Whoring it up in the AL East.

Johnny mulling over which AL East team he wants to go to next....

ESPN -  Damon agreed to a one-year deal worth $5.25 million plus incentives and Ramirez one year at $2 million, according to SI.com. Both deals are pending physicals. Damon will likely play left field and Ramirez designated hitter.

How 'bout these Tampa Bay Rays, huh?  Then win the AL East in 2010 and then EVERYONE bolts.  And not just for other teams.  Teams IN DIVISION.  Just a big "Fuck You!" Crawford a Sock(?).  Rafael Soraino a Yankee.  Bullpen depleted. Garza to the Cubs. Pena to the Cubs.  Bartlett to Whales Vagina.  WHO is going to be on the field come Opening Day besides David Price and Eva Longoria and his cock sexting?

Well, pending physicals (which are NOT a lock for these two guys.  Manny with his pregnanacy drugs and his endless quest to conceive, Johnny with his...bitch arm) the answer is Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez.  Actually, ManRam will be sitting the bench and anchoring the DH spot.  I concede that both of these players still have the ability to be productive offensively.  It was not too long ago when Manny was lighting it up in LA and the Dodgers were the hottest ticket in town.  He just has to WANT to play.  And Johnny's last year in NYY was prodcutive (24 HR 82 RBI 100 RS and a World Championship).  He had 17 HR at home that season and is familiar with all divisional opponents and their ball parks.  That familiarity will compensate for his short arm throws and lack of speed.  Fenway, Baltimore, and Tampa aren't exactly cavernous outfields, like Detroit was. So I see where the Rays heads are at. 

It's also going to turn out to be the biggest thing the Rays have ever done.  Member Mannywood?  And those dred wigs they handed out?  Dodger fans are kinda fair weather fans to begin with and they ate that shit up but imagine all the little kiddies from Disney World coming to see Manny and his silly Jamaican haircut even though he's Dominican. The fuck is that? Tampa is like a minor league baseball team.  They couldn't even sell out their World Series games back in 2008.  They need gimmicks like t-shirt cannons, Red Panda halftime shows, and Zooperstars (Google it) to get the asses in the seats.  Well, Manny's the answer.  Instead of MannyWood they are going to have "The Human Chorionic GonadoTROPin Den at the TROP".  Or the "TestosterZone" out near the StingRay tank in Center. Oh, I like that.

Giada De Laurentiis: Wife Material

Stop laughing at me you devil temptress!


Stats:
Born: August 22, 1970, Rome Italy
Height: 5'2''
Intangibles: Planet's Sexiest Cook, huge domepiece
Fun Fact: I bought a frying pan at Target with her face on it and I would like to procreate with her


Ok, I got jokes.  Why are women's feet smaller than men's? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.  That being said, Giada: I love you.  I have been searching the Pacific Palisades of California far and wide for you.  People around here keep telling me that you shop at this grocery store and eat at that restaurant but I have yet to find you.  The only sign of you I have seen to this point is yo fine ass staring at me from the latest cover on Redbook discussing men, trust, and tabloid lies.  And while that is awesome and I am sure you are a fantastic interview, that's not good enough for me. You are an elusive creature, Giada.  I used to sit up in my room in college with 4 other dudes and watch Giada at Home and Everyday Italian and wish that Giada at Home was filmed in MY home.  Sure we would turn everything you said into a sexual innuendo. Like how your mascarpone chocolate toffee bars won't be the only thing melting in your mouth.  But that doesn't mean I dont RESPECT you.  And the way you say 'Pon-CHE-tuh' and 'MOOTZ-arella' are enough to make this white boy go full on dago.  Like up and move to Tuscany. I will beef your stew.  I will pork your tacos.  I WILL ZEST YOUR LEMON. Food puns are fun, aren't they?

So that's it.  I think I have waited long enough and shown that I truly want to meet you.  This is our last chance to be together.  I will be at Santa Monica Seafood tomorrow at high noon.  I know you go there because you went there in a recent episode and TV does not lie.  We'll sit down, share a bottle of red, some oysters, you can teach me about all different types of spices, you can complain about how sick you are of your husband Todd and your whining ass baby, and we'll see where the afternoon takes us.

BREAKING NEWS: Cashman making huge splash after huge splash

The Yankees agreed to sign Andruw Jones  to a one-year deal, according to Jon Heyman of SI.com (on Twitter). The Scott Boras client signed for $2million and can make up to $1.2million more by reaching incentives. The Yankees were looking for an outfielder who can hit lefties and can handle left and center field. Outfielders Curtis Granderson and Brett Gardner both bat from the left side, so Jones, a right-handed hitter, will spell them against tough southpaws


Ahhh, getting older and older.  First Cashman reluctantly signs Soriano for probably too much. Then we go out and get a aging, past-his-prime 33 year old for $2 million, plus $1.2 million in incentives.  Huge splash after HUGE splash.  Listen, I understand he's not going to start.  We got Gardner, Granderson, and Swisher for that.  There's youth, slightly better-than-average power, and speed in our outfield.  I don't mind him off the bench as our 4th outfielder to give those guys a day off.  Our fill in option for the outfield last year was Thames in left, Greg Golson in right, and Colin Curtis.  So pretty much just Thames.  He's gone and just signed with the Dodgers. MARCUS DON'T LEAVE ME.  Jones hit 19 HR in 278 AB last season with a .230 avg.  Thames has 12 HR in 212 AB at a .288 average and actually had a month where he produced at an amazing level and came through with some clutch home runs and walk off hits. Listen to me trying to justify Marcus Thames as a player.  Jesus.

So theoretically we are getting a slightly better power hitter and supposedly better defensive outfielder.  All I remember about Andruw Jones in LA and Texas is how fat, injury prone, and out of shape he was.  So unless he recaptures the glory days of 2005 where he hit 51 HR and drove in 128 runs, he's going to be a late inning plug in off the bench and slight defensive upgrade to spell The Big Three outfielders.  I would just like if this signing was, ohhh sayyy, Carl Crawford or someone younger, or at least something to get me aroused.  But there's always a spot for a pinch hitter on the Yankee bench. And we're filling a need that we have on our roster. As long as he hits lefties in big spots and is at least serviceable in a short rightfield..fine by me.

Now we need to find a 5th starter replacement for Sergio freakin' Mitre, sign Andy Pettitte, and get ready for pitchers and catchers.

The Inaugural Matt's Mortal Moneymaker of the Week

Welcome, welcome, welcome.  You've seen players make guarantees.  Some pay off, some don't.  But here at The Spread, we give you free picks and, in turn, free money.  All you have to do is sack up and throw the money down.  So instead of a long narrative about head to head matchups and who's playing well, the Mortal Moneymaker will offer just 5 (or so) quick points on why I'm right and you are wrong.

The Game: Clippers @ Blazers 10:30et

I'm out on the West Coast right now and have had the opportunity, no, honor, no privilege, to see Blake Griffin is even more amazing in person.  No one puts out more effort-per-possession (which should be a quantifiable stat), no one is more explosive, and no one can finish in as many different ways around the rim as he can.  If you are a Celtics fan or Knicks fan or WHATEVER and he comes to your town, he is worth the price of admission.  Better get out there and see him fast though, before he dunks his way into a career-ending injury.  Anyway...

• The Clippers always make me money.  They always hit the over.  The first bet I ever made was Clippers -1.  Sure it was a push. Ok so they don't win me money every fucking time.  But I gotta go with my boys.

• LaMarcus Aldridge is having an All-Star caliber season, though he won't be playing for the West February 20th.   He's averaging 21 and 8 on the season.  Last time out against the Clipshow at home, however, he fouled out in just 23 minutes and finished with 4 points and 5 boards and clearly struggled with a more physical Griffin.  I'm also bitter that I had him on my fantasy team and dropped him.  Sure he wasn't on a tear like he is now, but at the time the Clips weren't the hot team they are now. In fact they were 4-17 and 0-10 on the road.

• The 4-17 Clips are a distant memory. Like the 2005 Patriots Super Bowl win. They are now 16-25, have won 3 straight, and 7 of their last 10, and are averaging 99 ppg.

• The Blazers are 9th in points allowed.  And that may be a little concerning considering the pace at which the Blazers play at home (slow as shit) and the fact that the Clips love to score.  The Blake Show had 21 and 15 against 'em last time.  The Magic and Hawks and ranked 7th and 8th respectively in Opponent PPG but Blake torched them for 27 and 16, and 31 and 15 against them.  And those are teams with legit All-Star Centers in Horford and Dwight.  I like Blake to have a big night and restart the double double streak.

• The Blazers are coming off a tough overtime win in SacTown last night where they won 94-90.  With Camby missing the next 3 weeks with a knee injury, the Blazers starting lineup and suddenly very small, doesn't feature a lot of speed, and lacks a center.  Blazers are already 20th in boards and with this smaller lineup that starts Batum, Dante Cunningham, and LaMarcus as their 'big men', I think DeAndre Jordan and Blake are going to dominate down low.  Expect a rim-rattling, Rose Garden-style dunk contest.

• Point guard play.  The Clipper backcourt composed of Eric Gordon and Baron Davis average 35 ppg (vs. 27 between Wes Matthews and Andre Miller.)  BoomDizzle is feeling especially good in January, averaging 16ppg, up from his normal 11. 

The picks:

Clippers +3
Clippers OVER 96.5


See you in Pittsburgh

CANT WAIT

Why you give a fuck.

Well, you don't.  I've been reading enough sports blogs and opinions on internet assholes to know that the shit I come up with on here will not be groundbreaking.  Or life changing.  Or even the least bit original. What I hope it can be is an look into the mind of an NBA-crazed, Fantasy playing, Yankee die-hard, money-chasing gambler that loves to bet the over, swear like a motherfucker, and gloat about his knowledge of where NBA players went to school.

As I create more entries, I am sure that the focus of my content will broaden, but as of now I really only consider myself knowledgeable in a few things, sports or otherwise.  One is fantasy basketball.  I'm preettyyyyy positive I can recite the top 100 fantasy performers to you from memory any given week and give you some plug-ins and guys to throw on the Watch List.  Unfortunately, everyone seems to think football is the fantasy sport of choice.  To them I say: suck the dick.  Why would you want just one day of fantasy action?  Sure I've heard it all.  Deerrrr, I have a 9-5.  Deerrr, I have responsibilities.  Deerrr, I don't want to check my line-up every day.  You serious? Yahoo Stattracker is my homepage and NBA injuries and trades are what gets me out of bed at 2pm.  2 days a week of fantasy?  Nah. 7, please.  And I'd do 8 if I could.

Another topic I will dabble in are the teams I love and the games I attend.  I'm a New York area guy that, just like all the fat Puerto Ricans, casual baseball fans, and hip-hop artists, loves the Yankees.  I also love me some Knicks, Warriors, Celtics, and all NFL. I'm pretty much a free agent NFL fan.  I'll lead with saying that I am not proud of my Yanks' fan base.  Most of us are fuckers that sound retarded and have no knowledge of our team and only like the Yanks because it is convenient or the hat is cool.  I like to think I am not that way.  I suppose being the most successful franchise in sports will attract people like this, but I live with it just like I live with the 95+ wins every year.  Lil give, lil take.  While my fellow fan is usually a douchecock, I will say they are not as homogeneous as Red Sox fans.  We are diverse, I suppose.  Like Ivy League, incoming freshman class, diverse.  Minus the brains.  Plus a lot of minorities.  What do you picture when you think of a Sox fan?  I think of an Irish fuck with red hair or pube-y facial hair.  They spend time in Cape Cod if they can afford it and suck on Ben Affleck's shit. They consider the PatsBsCeltsSox to be interchangeable and will wear as many of those teams logos as he can when he goes to a Boston sporting event. They say shit like 'the T' and 'You just BUY your players'. But that is for another blog.

While I would love to travel the country, go to games, and write sports for a living, the truth is I am a semi-employed recent college grad that does not work for ESPN.  I do, however, work for YOUR United States government.  And they send me places.  But those are top secret.  So I travel.  And when I am in cities like Chicago, Minneapolis, LA, New York, Indianapolis, Milwaukee or wherever else, I like to go to games.  So I'll tell ya what I see.  But I wholeheartedly believe sports do not exist outside of the Northeast and LA.  But I'll keep an open mind. Ya filthy animals.

The final thing I'll offer an opinion on, since I am sure you are sick of reading this mindless babble, is gambling.  I will admit I have not been doing it long, but I like to think I do ok.  I met a guy at a bar in LA recently that said if the NFL was played year-round, he would quit his job because he was so good at picking winners.  Fuck that kid.  I'd like to see some proof.  Cus the NFL is an unpredictable piece of shit that is designed to fuck the gambling man and spread AIDS and despair.  That's why you'll come here.  To me. For winners.

There it is. Blog 1. Hope you liked what I..ah I honestly do not care.  This is more for me than it is for you.  I welcome comments and criticism.  Seriously, I do. More to come.

-The Spread