Poop-ocalypse

So it was a long Monday at work full of frustration and endless Federal bullshit. It was early December. So whats the FIRST thing you want to do after a day that sucked and a lunch of Sloppy Joes and Mac 'N Cheese?

Take a shit! Obviously.

So I got back to my luxurious room at the Towneplace (with an E) Suites in Lombard, IL. Keep in mind Towneplace is the lowest of the lowest Marriott franchise. I am retarded for choosing this hotel because I could have stayed at the Marriott Suites on the government's dime..which I have seen..and are ballin. This place doesnt even have a lobby.

SO. I get back to my cave dungeon bondage cage of a 'suite' and literally say out loud, "Its time to drop deuces." You talk to urself a lot when u live alone. SO I rip down the pants and 7 Blue Moon seasonal brewshakes, a Sloppy Joe and crusty homestyle macnchee falls out.

This is a 20-wiper. Like I go. Didnt even whip. Flushed it on its own. Wiped like 6 times. Flushed. Wiped like 8 times. Flushed. Wiped 5 more times. I know thats not 20 wipes..but im a federal employee and as we say at FEMA...good enough for Government work.

So the first 3 flushes go on w/o a hitch. Final flush is a different story. TP and shit start to rise up from below. The water rises...the flushing isnt stopping...Wheres the plunger? WHY IS THERE NO PLUNGER!?!?!...

The toilet starts overflowing like Niagara Falls. Within 30 seconds the floor in my bathroom has been filled with water. Oh shit. I call the front desk..."My toilet is overflowing and we have an emergency situation." The girl at the front desk who I have come to know personally goes, "Oh no, what did you do!" "I dont know, but get someone up here quick..its gonna get in the room."

I wasnt lying. Within less than 2 minutes the water has risen high enough to leak out from under the closed door, over the rubber stopper, and onto the carpeted fron entrance. Shit. Literally. On the floor. I hustle to move shit out of the wake of this encroaching shit tsunami. FEMA disaster flooding, indeed. CLothes are outta the closet, everthing is on the bed, off the floor. WHERE IS FUCKING HOUSEKEEPING. The water has risen so high now that a trickle of dirty water is rolling across the carpet and soaking it thru. It makes it into my kitchen hardwood floor area and begins to fill up my little kitchen area cutout.

Knock at the door. Its Pepe Mexicano, the local housekeeping talent. Doesnt speak a word of English but manages to say "Oh no" when he sees my masterpiece. I get a call from the desk as he is wet-vacing the almost 2 inches of shitwater off the bathroom floor. I get a call from the desk saying theyre moving me down the hall from 309 to 316. Ok.
So I got to the desk and joke that i was flushing towels to test the strength of the toilet...when we all know it was a monstershit. One word.

So Mr. Mexicano is doin his thing...Im moving ALL of my belongings and food and things down the hall. I wash my hands. I'm hungry. So I make dinner....

Hamburgers for dinner! I deserve something tasty for dinner after all that right? Fuckin' right. So I do two burgers on the stovetop. Fryin' that shit up. Thank god all that is over. Just about to pour a glass of shitty wine when... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. BEEEEEEEEEEEP. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. No. BEEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEP. I have set off the fire alarm. There wasnt even that much smoke! 10 seconds later the phone rings. Its my desk friend. "are you cooking something?" "Im trying to" "OK. We'll send someone up." Because I obviously cant cook for myself.

Knock at the door. GUESS WHO!! PEPE!!!!! "you, again?" he says. Glad that I can teach him new english words. "Stop fucking up you douchecock" is next on the list. So he opens my windows all the way up and takes out the screens to get some air in this bitch. He goes 'ill be back in 5' or something to that effect and I go "hey why dont u just stay. Im havin such a great night Im sure ill need u for something else." SO I offer him a beer and we watch the first few mins of the BUlls-Thundo game.

So I checked out the next day and told them I would be back on Friday. I am sure they will calling the haz-mat team upon my arrival. I AM UNFIT TO FUNCTION IN THIS ADULT WORLD. Between the Mississhitty River flooding I had in 309 and the outdoor BBQ I decided to have indoors in 316..Im taking the Town(e)place Suites down one shitty room at a time.

THEEEEEEEEEEE END