Brooke Burke: Wife Material

Stats:
Born: September 8th, 1971. MOTHER FUCKING HARTFORD, CT
Height: 5'5''
Intangibles: World's Sexiest Jewish French/Irish/Portuguese woman
Fun Fact: Did Playboy. Meaning she has questionable morals and I have a chance.


Well good fucking morning to you readers! BOOM. Brooke Burke all up in yo computer screen! The Giada segment got a lot of people reading so I decided to make 'Wife Material' a regular bit.  Sex sells they say. That's why I am considering posting a picture of myself on the top of the blog.

They always used to say that JLo was the ultimate/original triple threat.  She danced, sang, tried to act, but her cottage cheese ass got in the way. Latinas age poorly. Sure, sure,it was all very impressive you door-floating illegal. Burke here models, dances, hosts DWTS, AND acts. Oh, but it doesn't stop there. Recently added to her list of acomplishments is BaboostBaby.com, a site that sells wraps and oils to gross preggers women and blogs about her unfortunate encounters with them. Oh god that is so hot. Wait. Wraps? Like the UConn Grab-N-Go? Like yeaaa I'm carrying twins and eat pickles and ice cream together like a rabid Cookie Monster. C-Section C-Section C-Section starts with C. On top of that I've gained like 55 pounds and I'm bloated as shit but hit me with a Chicken Bacon Chipotle wrap on wheat with no tomatoes, double sauce. And I wanna wait 8-12 weeks, preferably. Thanks for your inspring work and words of encouragment, Brooke.

Upon further review of the site that offers wraps to pregnant women even though I am a not-pregnant man, Brooke proved she actually knows her shit.  But then I hit a speed bump when I heard her 3rd kids name was Rain. Like the weather. Crazy stunts like that get you punted off the Wife Material wagon by your ass. Can't win with a woman like that. Can't coach with 'em. Can't win with 'em. Can't do it. But then I saw Brooke here has a net worth of around $10 mil and is CEO of Modern Mom.  So I guess she takes her pregnancy (gross) advice pretty serious.  And she can support my drinking/gambling habits. Put a ring on it.

But then I looked at her Wiki page and GoogleImages (which is the most fun you can have on the Internet with your pants on) and saw some really strong intangibles. Like this girl lived in my home state. Not for long. But how many celebrities that look like  ^that do you know that truly know how shitty and shameful a captial city Hartford is? Oh and she's a Jew. Typical CT'er. Now some people don't like Jews. Most of them were brought up on war crimes post-WWII and burned in hell for all enternityamen. I love me some Jew though. And off the top of my head I can only think of one other Jew that speaks to me like Brooke here.  Funny thing is I always thought BB was Korean or something. Kinda has the eye thing goin' on. Plus, she went to UCLA which is approx 569% asian. So it would make sense.

So while we did hit a few crazy-person snags with Brooke here (which can probably be attributed to her California upbringing), she still brings a lot to the table. Mainly money and looks. And has pulled herself back together in a way that few others can after a pregnancy and is a pregg-pro. Which means she won't get all moody and sweaty when we do that baby thing and then will get it tight only a few weeks after she pops it out. If that's not wife material I don't know what is.