Stop laughing at me you devil temptress!
Stats:
Born: August 22, 1970, Rome Italy
Height: 5'2''
Intangibles: Planet's Sexiest Cook, huge domepiece
Fun Fact: I bought a frying pan at Target with her face on it and I would like to procreate with her
Ok, I got jokes. Why are women's feet smaller than men's? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. That being said, Giada: I love you. I have been searching the Pacific Palisades of California far and wide for you. People around here keep telling me that you shop at this grocery store and eat at that restaurant but I have yet to find you. The only sign of you I have seen to this point is yo fine ass staring at me from the latest cover on Redbook discussing men, trust, and tabloid lies. And while that is awesome and I am sure you are a fantastic interview, that's not good enough for me. You are an elusive creature, Giada. I used to sit up in my room in college with 4 other dudes and watch Giada at Home and Everyday Italian and wish that Giada at Home was filmed in MY home. Sure we would turn everything you said into a sexual innuendo. Like how your mascarpone chocolate toffee bars won't be the only thing melting in your mouth. But that doesn't mean I dont RESPECT you. And the way you say 'Pon-CHE-tuh' and 'MOOTZ-arella' are enough to make this white boy go full on dago. Like up and move to Tuscany. I will beef your stew. I will pork your tacos. I WILL ZEST YOUR LEMON. Food puns are fun, aren't they?
So that's it. I think I have waited long enough and shown that I truly want to meet you. This is our last chance to be together. I will be at Santa Monica Seafood tomorrow at high noon. I know you go there because you went there in a recent episode and TV does not lie. We'll sit down, share a bottle of red, some oysters, you can teach me about all different types of spices, you can complain about how sick you are of your husband Todd and your whining ass baby, and we'll see where the afternoon takes us.
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